Imploding – “To collapse violently inward” per various
dictionaries.
That’s the way it has felt for the past two Mondays. Not necessarily all day long, though
certainly longer than a minute or two. It’s
almost panic inducing. And I find the
repercussions can last for hours. It’s
a really ugly feeling.
A lot of it has to
do with the fact that another Monday has rolled around without earning any
income to support my home and my life.
Yes, I know. It’s kind of sad
that my life purpose seems to be totally framed by whether or not I’m
working. Work has helped frame my entire
life since school. It has been especially
important as I seem to be without a clue as to how to frame it for myself. At the same time, I deeply wish not to be a victim
of circumstance, because then you are truly powerless. It’s very much a Catch-22 or a vicious cycle
that I’d like to break.
I do not wish to be an insane person – defined as one who
keeps doing the same thing, hoping for a different result. I wish to make some changes. I don’t see any possibilities at the moment that
either a) want me, or b) that I’m willing to fight for. All I know for certain is that I don’t want
to go through that soul-sucking feeling of implosion, again. It’s utterly destructive.
So, yes, to counteract that possibility, I need to do
something so time consuming and/or new next Monday so that imploding won’t even
be a remote possibility. I’ve exhausted food
shopping, going to the library, walking, buying coffees at Starbucks, going for
long drives around my local communities. And I don't wish to exhaust my friendships. Most other options require money
that I’m presently trying to conserve, so yes, there is always volunteering.
The trick is finding
the right volunteer opportunities. I
already volunteer one afternoon each week.
Other options I’ve come across don’t appear to be half so engaging – and….I’d
really like to avoid the vampire-like behaviors of organizations who basically have
variations of “oh, you’re so wonderful for doing that. Can we put you down for this, and this, as
well, in perpetuity??” Once you’ve said
yes to something, often an organization will squeeze you dry. Why?
Because, as with so many of us, they would rather tap a ready source
than cold call for new ones.
Volunteering is not always the answer here for me.
So. Obviously, my
next assignment is to come up with something new for next Monday – at the very least. Preferably, I’ll find something to take care
of all my Mondays until I am next occupied with an income-producing occupation. A creative challenge. Hmmmmmmm.
