Waiting on Test Results

This is about the old time lag between the test and the results. (Yes, this makes two posts on "lags!" LOL.) After my sylvan Thanksgiving visit and close-encounters with Mother Nature, I proceeded into the world of high-tech the morning following my return home. I had an MRI - also known as a "Magnetic Resonance Imaging" test so that the medical establishment (and my doctor) could have a look at the internal state of my neck.

I've had MRI's before. Not to mention PET scans which use a similar technology - or at least the same kind of donut machine. Depending on the test seems to determine the length of the tube. The tests have been kind of fun - in the past. I have seen various parts of my bone body over the years. And I've got to tell you, my bones are simply stunning to look at. They are things of beauty. Text book, not to mention rather lovely in their shape. It's the soft tissue with which I have challenges! Both in use, and in beauty of appearance.

This test, however, although producing a lovely image of my cervical region (yes, I always look at the pictures after. That's half the fun!), was particularly brutal to get through. Perhaps it was because it was so close to my ears and brain - but the noise was almost unbearable - in spite of the earplugs and the thing holding my head in place. It became torture by sound for almost 20 minutes. The noise, in addition to being loud, seemed to drill repetitively into my skull for incredibly long periods of time. If the technician hadn't checked in with me after 10 minutes - I would've aborted the test. And these things aren't cheap! Esp. as my health insurance hasn't even agreed to cover it yet.

Afterwards, the techs said you could tell it was a machine designed by a man because the noise factor hadn't been taken into account. Rather like mammograms. However - in fairness to the male sex - anyone, male or female - so enamoured with the efficiacy of their creation - probably wouldn't think of the noise factor. Because it is a rather marvelous invention. It just needs upgrading really fast 'cause I'm not sure I could take another session like that again.

Anyhoo - back to the test lag. I wasn't being tested for anything serious. I don't think. I hope not. And there lies the rub with having a test. You're used to being you before a test - esp. a health test. You're almost comfortable with the symptoms - assuming they're not immediately life threatening - after all, you've (or in this case, I've) been living with them for some time. But they're not going away. And in my case, they've gotten a bit worse. So. You wonder. And then you have a test.

Presumably, I'll find out the results this week. I'm not sure whether I want to know if there is a definitive problem in my neck. On the other hand, if it shows nothing, what does that help??? And, if there is a problem, is it fixable? By surgery or physical therapy? (Do I want to go there?) Or can I trade in that part of my body and get a bionic one? If there isn't an apparent problem, is it simply in my mind? What next, then? Talk therapy?????

That's the problem with tests and the time lag before you get your results. The uncertainty and the worry. Even if you try very hard to ignore the whole thing. 'Cause your symptoms keep reminding you of the test! Tests - in whatever category - are rather like hurdles. There's your life as you know it before. You jump over the hurdle, and your unknown life begins. Maybe the lag time between test and results can be compared to the time a horse and rider is suspended in air over the hurdle. The big difference being that the horse and rider know really fast how they did. It's us humans with our checks and balances and bureaucratic procedures that force us to stay in a state of uncertainty long enough to become completely paranoid! LOL.

Not to worry. My symptions are not serious - I hope! I've lived this way for some time now. And, if push comes to shove, I could manage one way or the other to go on this way. I suspect my main worry is that I'll have a humongeous amount of physical therapy to do - and I really don't like exercising by rote. Hell, I've never been fond of repetitive exercise. It's very taxing. Not to mention, extremely boring. Sigh.

I would guess that the old test lag is rather like purgatory. It's neither here nor there. It just is. Again - probably character building. I wish you the absence of "lags" in your life.

And so it goes....

Holiday Lag

We've got jet lag. Why not holiday lag? Or post-holiday dislocation?

It's the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I traveled to my sister's the day before T'giving and returned home yesterday afternoon. I had a lovely time. We were in the country and the utter silence was amazing. Well. It wasn't total silence. Nature made herself known, but even the animals we saw all seemed to be on a mute button. Unlike in my condominium, there were no neighbors living above, below or next to our walls. We were the creators of our own joyful noise at their house.

What did we do? We basked lazily in front of the wood stoves. We played darts. We saw a herd of deer. At one point, I startled a mole and a cotton-tailed rabbit. T'giving morning we went for a walk on a nearby railtrail and saw the most magnificent hawk fly lazily across our path. And the sleeping? Superb. No one to wake you up several times in the middle of the night. The silence was almost loud in its quietude. It was as it felt - far, far away from my life - with "civilization" close enough by not to cause panic in this surburan dweller.

And then I came home. Being back feels completely unreal. It's something like the jet lag you get when you travel by plane for 6 or more hours after going away for a week. Being home does not feel like home. Perhaps it is because the preparation for and then, celebrating the holiday was so tightly scheduled. We all wanted to make the most of the time we had for the holiday. Now, I'm back to being my own deadline maker. I'm not liking it much, even tho' I sometimes craved alone time while surrounded by family!

Yes. I unpacked, put my leftovers (yum, leftovers!) in the fridge and thought - o.k. Now what? It had been cloudy all day, when near sunset, the sun broke through under the edge of clouds. The sky was amazing. There were reds, purples, oranges, pinks, mauves, greys, whites, darks and colored wisps. Thankfully, I went out for a drive simply to watch the whole sky. It was beautiful.

Then I was home again. Things still felt strange. They have all day today, too. Yes, I have appointments, dates, maintenance work, plans, etc., etc., and they all seem unreal. This happens to me at Christmas-time too. Holiday lag shows up in the feeling that you're living a kind of quasi-real half-life until your world rights itself (or re-asserts itself). Or the lag ends when you've gotten so involved you don't realize you're back in the swing of things - until you suddenly wonder how long ago you actually went away on a holiday. Maybe it would feel differently if I hosted the festivities at my place.

I imagine any host or hostess of a holiday event - complete with family and guests - never suffers from holiday lag or dislocation. After all, the host is at the epicenter of the holiday. Their life never stops for the holiday. It is all an ongoing part of the hosts' lives. It's the guests, who, upon returning home, need to figure out where they were when they left, and restart their lives. And sometimes, the restarting takes a few days to figure out. It's a bit like the broken sleeping patterns you get after you've flown through several time changes.

The other (and biggest for me) drawback to holiday lag is that it allows far too much space and time for unpleasant thoughts to grab your attention. Perhaps holiday lag is meant to be a character-building time. Me? After all these years, I'm kind of tired of building my character. I'd rather other folks built their characters.

I'll have to think about this hosting business.

Lost M'Cell Phone...Again!

Damn it! That's twice within one year! O.K. it may show up in the oddest place when the pixies decide to return it. And yes, it's not like I had a brain burp and left it at the park, like last time. After seeing it on my counter after charging, my latest cell phone has disappeared from my consciousness - rather like I was abducted by aliens who did all sorts of things before wiping my mind and returning me to planet earth - all within a millisecond (well, o.k., more like 24 hours). Kind of feels like it too. Having been "connected" to the electronic world for some time now, it's rather disconcerting not to be available, or have the world available at the push of a button. Hello, instant gratification. Hard to lose that, too! Like cigarettes....

Actually .... It's tempting to use the abduction theory in conversation to explain much of my past year. Would be a lot more satisfactory to see people's reactions (a straight face is essential) than telling the boring truth of my life. LOL.

Now, as it's major travel time for Thanksgiving, and l'll be one of the travelers, I thought it would be a good idea to stay in touch by getting a TracFone. That way, I can call for help - well, that's the plan. The TracFone was recommended by my sister who swears by it, and uses it to keep track of her kids. It is a simple phone, with basic features (no G2,3 or 4) and you buy your air time as you need it. Inexpensive, too! Honestly, if the pixies decide to keep my phone - I may stick with this new phone. I rather like the new number, and it actually gives me more time and coverage than my proper cell phone. Unless, of course, I become a 24/7 media-dependent, excuse me, a media-connected business woman who needs to stay in touch.

The woman at the store said "Maybe you're not a cell phone person." She may be right. I find it rather cumbersome and annoying to remember to watch out for my cell phone. I believe I am meant to be a telepathic person. Unfortunately, no one can give me printed directions how to use my telepathic talents, yet. I keep trying, but it takes a hell of a lot of effort. Also, it gives me a headache to try. Well - it's either telepathy, or a cellphone implanted directly in my head - so if someone calls me - the number would pop up across my retinas, and all I have to do is tap my ear to answer the call. To make a call, I could tap a tooth, subvocalise a name (i.e. "call Mom") and voila! The call would go thru. To talk - that'd be the usual way. Obviously, I was born way before my "time."

At the very least, I have an inexpensive new toy. I am a definite fan of new toys. I still go into promising toy stores whenever they cross my path. You can get some really cool stuff. Then again, there are the upscale hardware stores where you can get some super cool mini-gadgets - but that's another post.

So, reconnected with the electronic world, I surge back into the flow of life! Or something equally noble. Live long, and call me!

Day After Election Day

This will be brief because, quite frankly, all the voters have simply had it with this year's mid-term elections. And so have I. Why?

Well....I don't know if it was only in the tri-state, New York metropolitan area, but this year's elections seemed to be less about the issues and more about smear tactics. It seems that I have never heard so much, or such relentless negativity broadcast at my eyes and ears - every minute of every day. If it had gone on much longer, I'm almost sure there'd be YouTube videos of candidates "bad" behavior - rather like what happened to Palladino in New York's gubernatiorial race. Few of the political candidates seemed to care to show what they had done or what they planned to do for the populace.

Thank God it's all over. Well, every where there's a clear winner. I know some recounts and lawsuits are being prepared even as I type. This was an extremely ugly campaign time. I'd be amazed if the electorial process didn't lose more voters this year. There was constant blame and shame and attack thrown down ad nauseum. All of us common folk, who were supposed to take arms against one or another candidate - by yesterday - just wanted the whole circus of negativity over and done with. Hopefully, the right people got "in" though Lord knows what it is they're going to do!

Let me not get too much into the amount of money spent on these elections. You'd think it was another Presidential election the way candidates were spending money on both coasts of the United States. It's sickening. In some cases, the amounts equalled the gross national product of some smaller "third world" countries. To think of what good they could have done by contributing that money to the Red Cross, or feeding the hungry in this country, or building low-cost housing or funding alternative energy sources and research, or even establishing medical clinics for the uninsured - it's mind-boggling and tragic.

What's worth that much? Job security? Prestige? Power? And who gives it to them? Are we as voters - that easily led? It all makes me wonder.

Tid Bits

In case you were wondering...

Snow White III
Snow hasn't left our shores yet. And she's really pissed at me. Originally, she was hoping to take a swift current on the early September hurricane winds to help her cross the Atlantic. Alas - I started cleaning out my apartment. Snow hasn't gone anywhere. She said, "I thought better of you after our conversations. Yet here I am, still stuck in the U.S. because you put me on a shelf and forgot all about me! I've had enough of that behavior from others. Why do you think I want to travel? To get off the damn shelf!"

I am deeply sorry for my behavior and have given Snow White my deepest apologies. As long as I get her to the ocean today - I'll be forgiven. So, I am taking her to the beach this afternoon - to launch her on the next leg of her journey. Snow's still hoping to make it across before the winter storms become too strong. Why not fly? Snow explained that getting to the airport is difficult. Also, there's no guarantee she'll even be allowed aboard - for some reason. She'd rather rely on Mother Nature.

My Tree
The young tree, that was planted to fill in where the old Mulberry fell during the March nor'easter, is alive after a long, hot summer. I was out there every day watering it. You'd think I gave birth to it! lol. I think it's grown. It's hard to tell. Like with kids - you see them all the time, so their growth is so gradual it's normal. You don't really see the change unless you leave them for a while. (No, I'm not advocating child abandonment here!) I'm guessing it'll be the same with the tree.

And yes, its leaves changed color. It wasn't dramatic, but kind of cool. The leaves turned yellow from the edges inward - slowly taking over the green. Then they were all yellow. Yesterday, after a day of rain, they turned reddish orange, and then, suddenly, after the winds last night - they've all fallen off! You'd think I'd expect that by now. 'Cept, as with children, it was only "yesterday" it seems, it was planted. I'm very glad it's there.

Well, it's an absolutely gorgeous day out there - 70 degrees, sunny and breezy, and I've got Snow White to launch. TTFN!

P.S. Snow White was launched at 3:30 p.m. yesterday afternoon. She flew through the air with a shout of sheer joy. Last I saw of her, Snow was heading directly for the open sea.
Bon voyage, Snow! May you never be stuck on shelf again!

The Wondrous Hook

Yes, now you're imagining that I'm going to warble on about the philosophy inherent in the evil Captain Hook as pertains to Peter Pan. No such luck! The hook to which I refer is far less lofty, and, in fact, is far more useful. No. I'm not talking about a musical hook, or a crocheting hook (does anyone still do that?) or even a shephard's hook - or is that crook? Anyway.....

Whilst a friend of mine was discovering the bidet in Europe, I was rediscovering the joy of the simple, household hook. Yes. That one. The kind you screw into the wall for the purpose of hanging something from it. I realize that a hook does not remotely compare to the investigative process required by the workings of a bidet by an American citizen newly living abroad. However, the thrill I felt far outweighed - I believe - my friend's trepidation.

Why am I caroling about a hook? Well, being in the throes of tossing my entire apartment, I've been at a loss where to put some things. Installing and using a hook or two in my closet never once crossed my mind. I can only put this perceptual blindness down to being a renter for many years. (Not to mention a Mother who found hooks somewhat vile.)

Ask any one who's done it. Renting can be risky. Especially with regard to the "damage deposit." One hears horror stories of false damage charges, and violent accusations. So, I had become accustomed to only timidly hanging a picture or two on my walls. And closet interiors? They were not to be touched. 'Course, that may have just been my landladies. Truth be told, I have only had wonderful landladies. It was my hang up. :)

But hey, I'm an owner now. (Well, the bank is.) I can put nails in all over my walls if I want. So, now, (happy sigh) I have a hook in my closet to hang a bag. And since you cannot buy just one hook all by itself.... I am in joyful contemplation as to what else I can hang in that space. It was an ephiphany to rediscover the "hook." I may very well put another one up. Or maybe, two.

No. I'm not in Europe, nor am I warily approaching a bidet. However, I can move on now. I have hooks!

I've Got Bumper Stickers Now - Gasp!

It's all a result of this excavating I've been doing. I unearthed two bumper stickers I'd bought several years ago. I had never applied them to my car bumper because of a number of "old" parental judgments about aforesaid stickers. Yes, weird, I know. It's just that those parental judgments can suddenly pop up out of pure, thin air, and blindside me into frozen indecision over the bizarrest (sp?), and smallest of things. Which is probably why I think I kept them in various piles of papers over the years, only to find them once again.

Well, today, I decided to ignore those old messages of "I would never put one on my car. It devalues the car!" "It's really rather tacky. Only people with no taste would put one on their bumper." "You can get into trouble if someone doesn't agree with you." And implied..."Only low class people have bumper stickers on their cars." So, our family cars (and my car) have remained bumper sticker free my entire life. Today, I decided that I would stand up, take fate into my own hands and put those bumper stickers on my car. Hallelujah!

'Course the moment I did, I realized that no one in my condominium parking lot has a bumper sticker. Nor apparently, if you look, do any other cars driving in my town. Or even on the Interstate for the 4 exits that I drove today. Oh, dear. Suddenly, I was feeling very exposed. Talk about putting yourself out there.... Now, it's too late to change my mind. According to legend, once on, you can never remove a sticker from your bumper. So - I've decided to claim them with all the bravado I can muster.

Actually, I do like what they say. Hopefully, they will be thought provoking. One, I hope will gently change people's behaviors. What are these paragons of bumper sticker wisdom???

The first - "Visualize Using Your Turn Signals" (with arrows) - this is a pet peeve of mine, and usually perpetrated by non-hands free cell phone users. The joke is that quite likely "they" are already visualizing without using the signals. :)

The second - "Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights" - this came out (I believe) during the time of the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA). I think it applies to many civil rights issues of our time. Take your pick.

So far, my world has not ended. Mind you, I only applied these stickers early this afternoon. I'm kind of curious to see if they receive any reaction at all.

Why write a post about my bumper stickers? Because putting them on my car felt surprisingly risky. Who knew?

Excavating

About two months ago or so, I decided that I needed to stir up the energy in my life to get moving again after my summer "hiatus." In the principles of feng shui, by de-cluttering your home, and moving the furniture about into hopefully beneficial arrangements, you can actually improve your circumstances. So, with renewed resolve and energy, I started. It's still going on.

I mistakenly thought the whole process might take a couple of weeks to simply move around the big pieces of furniture and, voila! Not so simple. All of a sudden, you wonder, will it all fit that way? Can I reduce two bookcases into one? Good grief! How many piles of paper do I have on the floor - not to mention, books? And they all have to be gone through because there could be something important "in there."

So, what was supposed to be a simple re-arrangement of the great room in my apartment has, instead, become an interesting and challenging undertaking. Why challenging? Oh - attachments to the past, attachments to that funky looking stick I picked up one day, the suspicion that an important bill or two has been buried "in there" somewhere. And, man! Let's get rid of this. Wait a minute....I might need it. O.K. Where can I put it? Oh, but father gave that to me when I was 12. And so on!

I've decided the whole process is rather like dieting. Once you get past the decision to "do," then, you start. And it's not happening as fast as you thought it would. In fact, moving something sometimes creates more problems, and the resolutions take two or more days to solve. I've been doing things in surges. Once I figured out where the main pieces would go - this invoved about a week of staring into space while I moved stuff around my mind - the actual moving only took an intense, and exhausting, day. (I also forgot about the necessary physical recuperation time!) Then, with the next step in mind, I'd move on. Onto going through all my books, cds and dvds to see what I could give the library as a donation. And the clothes (still in process).

And just like dieting, I've found, you have your plateaus. You're up and running with your new way of eating, and after a nice drop of 5 pounds or so, you stay there - day after day, even week after week. Well, after accomplishing my goals of reducing my books, clearing out the storage, getting bookcases to Goodwill, books to the library, clearing out the closet, cleaning out storage drawers, etc., small problem. Every horizontal surface is covered. And I do mean covered. You can barely see a surface anywhere - including my couch.

I am a feng shui disaster!! I am overwhelmed with stuff. Mind you, at least I can see it now. Also, there are treasures I've found. For instance, I rediscovered a poem I wrote years ago. And I really like it. I'm thrilled I kept it. I'm even more thrilled I found it. The poem will probably show up in a post in the near future, as it is Fall, and I wrote it at the change of season.

The decision has been made. This "plateau" must end! Like a diet, I must return to my quest. So this week, I am determined to uncover at least three horizontal surfaces. They may be small, but nonetheless, the contents potentially complex. The treasures I hopefully find will make it fun. I'm planning on being done by Halloween. Onwards, and upwards!

Sunday Paper

Last Sunday I had awakened early and, unusually for me, was out and about in the morning running errands. As I'm driving along one of my favorites routes - because the trees are rather lovely - I passed a property that has always held my curiosity. It's a nice property, fronted by an old stone wall - easily 1/2 an acre in size with a small, one-storied house up a gently rising driveway with what looks like a barn over on the side - and main benefit? It faces south with a view over the municipal golf course. Its grounds are decently maintained and the grass mown. Why my curiosity? Because I have never ever seen anyone there. Not in the five years I've been driving by.

As I came by the driveway last Sunday, movement caught my eye. There was an elderly woman in her nightgown with her long white hair in an unbrushed tangle flowing about her head. She was slowly, slowly making her way down her driveway with fixed purpose. In her hands was one of those ugly, cheap looking metal walkers. The thin arms would tense. Up, shuffle forward a few inches, plant the frame. Begin again. At the end of her journey, there was a Sunday paper in its tell-tale plastic bundle waiting to be picked up. The woman appeared frail, and her back was was bent into an angle so sharp it made me wince.

Down the driveway she steadily came heading for that paper. I thought "it must take her a good 1/2 hour or more to get the paper! Oy." I couldn't even figure out how she was planning on picking up said paper.

Mind you, all these thoughts and impressions are whipping through my mind faster than light. Somehow - in the space of my driving by - there was more than enough time "in there" for me to worry about the woman. To worry about her struggle with her physical age. Does she have enough food to eat? Is she living there all alone? Does anyone care about her? There was even enough time for me to wonder if I could - in the practical sense - do anything for her. I briefly considered stopping to get her paper for her - but then, I decided 'no' - maybe this was her one outing a week, and she might not appreciate it. I wondered if she felt abandoned by the world. I wondered if she felt lonely.

As I passed the end of the stone wall at the driveway's edge, I finally could see clearly up the driveway to the woman coming down. And there, one of my worried questions was answered. She was not alone. She had a companion.

Strolling along, looking as bright as a new penny with tail straight up, attention focused on the woman, was a young tortiseshell-colored cat. The cat's posture seemed to suggest that getting the paper was a grand adventure, and it wouldn't want to be anywhere else. The cat carefully paced the woman - step for step - down the driveway - never ahead or behind. I swear that cat was chaperoning the woman down to her paper. It was a wonderful sight.

Mind you.... Every time I've passed by that quiet house this week - the questions come back. And I worry. But you can't look after everyone. Can you???
To comfort myself, I think of the cat.

Breath Less

Hello all. Yes, I'm alive and somewhat kicking. My long absence has been due in part to a mystery illness that robbed me of energy, appetite and yes, breath for most of July and August.

It's amazing how much we take breathing for granted until we can't. I hear a few "duhs" coming my way. Seriously, assuming you are not on your deathbed, not allergic to something and not ill, breathing is automatic. You just do it. Just like Nike. But then, something creeps in, and when you go to take a breath - you can't. Your chest and lungs seemingly refuse to expand and they hurt. Everything else is fine - your sinuses, no cold, getting enough sleep, no sore throat and no icky stuff coming out of your nose. So I toddled off to see my doctor.

Let me pause here for a moment and say that I really didn't mind missing the hottest summer on record in my region. I was kind of grateful I had an excuse to stay away from the 90 and 100 degree temperatures. July, in our neck of the woods, had 28 days that were over 90 degrees. For a temperate creature like myself - biologically speaking - it was brutal! I would also like to bow down and salute the inventor of air conditioning and Edison or Tesla for electricity. Without my noble air conditioning units going almost 24/7, I sincerely believe my goose would have been cooked. I could easily have been one of those passing statistics of heat-related death. No. Thanks to modern technology I survived July and early August. The only injury was to my wallet, and it was a price I was all too happy to pay.

So, my doctor, at the end of June, having no external confirmation that anything was wrong, basically blew me off and told me to use my nasal spray. He happily ignored that fact that nothing he'd done was helping me breathe better. He refused to even consider a course of antibiotics. I was so appalled at his cavalier behavior that I didn't go back when it got so much worse. Suffice it to say, for about a week and a half in mid-summer, I was almost completely undone. My days consisted of sitting, trying to breathe sipping the air, and trying not to move much at all, because it would take too much energy. My nights were sweat-filled ones where sleep was a challenge. On the bright side, (the body is wonderful how it manages my attention) my old back injury didn't hurt at all. Hallelujah! If that had been in the mix, I probably wouldn't have lasted.

As it was, I made it through. Thankfully, I'm pretty robust. Now.... All I can say is I learned this summer that I really need to rely on myself for my health - not my doctor. AND, if my doctor blows me off, then I need to go out and find someone who'll take the time to listen to me. (Turns out the antibiotics he refused to give me - were what put my problem to bed. My dentist did a procedure on me at the end of August, and prescribed the usual 5-day amoxicillin as a preventative. I felt like a million bucks afterwards!) Course, in the beginning of the summer, I had absolutely no energy to pursue that course. I learned, too, that it's critical to have someone around who cares about your health too. I am now looking for possible candidates. :)

All in all, my breath-less summer was an interesting experience. One, which I hope I will never repeat. Talk about career change interruptus! "What did you do this past summer?" "Oh, I worked on breathing..."

That said, and assuming that I am now fully recovered, I plan on posting something here with a higher frequency than once a month! Hope you - all of you - are all well and thriving.

I've Been Erased by AT&T!

I was surprised how much of a shock it really was. Let me explain. For most of my life I have been a customer of AT&T or one of their many subsidiaries. Mind you, there weren't that many other telephone companies out there. So, by default, unless you were bound and determined to communicate some other way - you were handled by AT&T - in the main. As such, You could count on, without fail, that "the" telephone company would handle getting you a new paper residential telephone directory and yellow pages to you in a plastic bag, if you lived in a house, or, as in the case of my building, there's just a honking great pile in the lobby with the annual delivery. This was an event that marked the years. A new telephone directory was like someone pushed the "refresh" button, and you got the new directory with all the new community changes in your hands.

O.K., O.K. A paper directory is a dinosaur for many people. However, it can actually be more convenient to whip out the book to look up a phone number or address - than having to boot up the computer or locate your multi-tasking phone. It's recycleable, usually stays in the same place, and it gives its listings a feeling of permanence simply by the weight that rests in your hands. There have been pretenders and competitors to the paper telephone directory throne over the years. Usually, without fail, the AT&T directory listed the latest information. You could count on them to be super efficient. The throne pretenders were usually working off of old information.

Well, with all the so-called progress in the electronic media market in the last few years. Especially after 9/11/01 knocked out our usual form of broadcast media for television - telephone companies decided to get into the computer and television market and, the cable providers followed suit. Or vica versa. At any rate, many of us have been forced to purchase these bundled services if we want to a) stay in touch by talking; b) watch the latest television shows or Pay-Per-View packages (like in hotels for blue movies!); and c) surf, research, etc. the internet, text the entire world or expose one's pecadillos for the entire electronic world to see - in the name of social networking. You no longer can have a simple land line to call folks or 911. You no longer can have the basic broadcast channels on your tv. And if you want a connection to the internet - then you have to have one that handles everything.

These improvements are all market driven. They've brought a level of communication available to the general public to unprecedented heights. It's wonderful. It can also cost you and arm-and-a-leg. We are stuck with all these new parameters.

To get back to the erasure of me....because AT&T wanted to charge a bundle of money for their bundle. I found I could keep basic television, and buy the rest of cable's bundle for about $25 less per month. This is very important as I am currently incomeless and rather media driven! So, I switched my telephone and internet to cable. I got a brand new telephone number. Hallelujah! My old one belonged to a deadbeat, and after 5 years, I was still getting collection agency calls. The new number with cable, yes, it did belong to someone else, but fortunately, I've only received two calls for its former owner.

So - now that I have a new telephone number from my cable company, my friends and family are unable to look up my current telephone on the internet (which can be a blessing). But what is most heinous (sp?) to me, is that AT&T has erased me from their new 2010 telephone directory. It made me feel like I was living in the Twilight Zone, or that a science-fiction novel had come to life on me! On the one hand, anything you put on the internet is there for all eternity. But to go to an old friend - my new annual telephone book - and find that I no longer exist, is rather unnerving. In the past, I believe, even if you weren't a direct customer, you and your listing showed up in the phone book. No more! If you are not a customer, you are dead to them!

The competitor's phone book still has me and my old phone number. And my cable company? They don't bother with a telephone directory. 'Course it's now becoming apparent - if you call a number not handled by your telephone company - you will probably be told that "there is no such number." I guess the various telephone providers don't talk to each other. It doesn't work in the spirit of economic competition. Mind you, it would be extremely beneficial in a emergency. Let's hope we don't have one.