A Bookstore Cafe Refugee

Hello. I'm sitting here in Borders cafe which is not where I usually choose to spend my time. I am a refugee from my bathroom. Well, it's more accurate to say that I'm a refugee from the guys in my bathroom. Ever since my super arranged for the leak in my bathroom ceiling to be repaired, I have made every effort to give them free range to do the repairs without me hanging around. It's also a sound tactical move as toilet access is severly compromised.

So far, I've managed to be busy for the past 4 days with appointments, etc. And then, the universe, to be helpful I'm sure, put my "check engine" light on in my car. So I spent much of yesterday chillin' in my friendly car service waiting room. But hey. It's Friday already! I'm tired of running away from home. I wanted to sleep in this morning. I'm tired of trying to find my toothpaste and toothbrush. They, along with my hairbrush, have been migrating all over my apartment, wherever my impulsive reasoning has left them. My towel has been staying in the bedroom, but I keep forgetting to take it whenever I wash my hands. O.K., I admit it.... Whine, whine,whine. It's unsettling not to have stuff where you're used to having it. There's also the small problem of not getting any of my work done!

This simple repair was supposed to take 2 days. It's amazing how dispossessed I feel. Part of the problem is that the "compound" has needed to dry each day. So it's not just the lack of toilet access. I cannot shower, and steam up the room. Yes. It's true. I have not showered for 4 days. I know. So. In an act of desperation, I called some good friends who live a mere 9 miles away, and I will shower at their place this afternoon. Yes, the universe willing, I will be clean and happy tonight.

In the meantime, I am deeply grateful for bookstore cafes. Not only do they offer an addict a convenient shot of caffiene surrounded by my favorite entertainment, they're nice. (Mind you, an unexpected shot of steam can be startling while you're working.) Bookstore cafes are a wonderful alternative to escape to when you need to "leave home" for whatever reason. I've never been able to enjoy working in a library. It always feels so constrained. There's no coffeecake either! I also frequently mutter to myself when I'm thinking, and that's frowned upon in a library. In a bookstore cafe or a coffee shop, I'm just regarded as strange. :) So, on behalf of myself and all other refugees from their homes (or lives) - please keep supporting your bookstores so that we have a place to go!

The Sky's Come Back

Yes. O.K. The sky is always there. I'm talking about my particular patch of sky. But, just for a moment....

I have to ask you. "How often do you actually stop, and look at the sky for, say, 20 seconds?" Go ahead. Look up. Use your eyes to explore all the sky you can see for 20 seconds. It's longer than you think. Try it. You'll find it's longer than checking to see if it's going to rain soon - without making you late for your next stop. Where ever that is. The sky can be rather beautiful. Especially if you remember to breathe.

Now. The main patch of sky I call mine is what I can see from my living room windows. There are two, and being right next to one another, they create an almost picture window. Usually, I can see quite a bit. This morning I realized my sky had doubled in size. The clouds seemed larger, more dramatic with the morning sun giving them incredible depth. At one point, a tiny sliver of silver silently crossed the blue depth between two monstrously gigantic white cottony clouds. It was like a children's story book illustration. That tiny, silver sliver was a "jumbo" passenger jet plane - so small as to seem unreal. It was all incredibly beautiful.

Where did all this space come from allowing my eyes to roam?

I finally figured it out. Very simple. All the leaves are gone. And I do mean gone. They've gone from the trees, gone from the vines, gone from the bushes. Autumn is done. What the leaves have left behind are living bones between me and the sky. The naked trunks and branches allow me, now, to see almost twice as much sky through my windows. They've become part of my sky. Perhaps it is Nature's compensation for the cold temperatures and long darkness at night. During the short days, with no leaves in the way, we get to see twice as much light. The canvas has doubled in size. The sun and clouds can really play with design, contrast, color, light and changing forms. And having it framed by my windows not only gives me a more focused view, it also makes it more precious.

In the summer, my patch of sky is half as big. So, yes. In a very real way, now that the Winter Solstice is fast approaching, the sky has come back.

How'd It Get to Be December???

Yes. I know. December does tend to follow Thanksgiving very quickly. It's just that this sudden download of Christmas everything is throwing me off my stride! I am SO not ready. My sister's already talking about where I'm going to sleep when I come visit for the holiday, where they're going to put me and what they can put me on. (This can be it's own special type of nightmare.) I haven't even concentrated on shopping for presents yet, or sending holiday cards, or even preparing myself mentally to guard against all that tempting holiday food. Sigh. At this rate.... with this lack of my emotional preparedness, the New Year is probably going to be a great shock, too.

As a quick followup to my last post - the MRI test results were safely within the normal range, and somewhat inconclusive. (Mind you - continuing the theme of inner beauty - my neck bones look really good.) My general doctor type is convinced I've got carpal tunnel, instead. He feels that there is nothing wrong with my neck, and has scheduled a neurological test for next Wednesday. I figure the two fellows can fight it out over the new test result, and that by Christmas we'll all have some idea what's going on. Or not.

Now, throw in the fact that my annual checkups fall into this same month, my December will be spent mainly with the medical profession. Much to my insurance company's dismay, I suspect, I'm going to be spending more time with medical types than my friends! Maybe they'll serve hot Wassail in the drs' offices. Well, I can hope. Or maybe I can sing the "Hallelujah" chorus from Handel's "Messiah" at each visit. Either that, or the Dreidel Song. Are there any Kwanzaa songs?

Yes. Where is that childhood joy and anticipation of the holiday????? Oh right. The medical profession has decided that I'm human, and therefore, totally vulnerable to deep biological damage resulting from living on this planet. The only way to save my sorry human tush, is to examine and/or test the hell out of it. No wonder we age. Dealing with the medical profession would age anyone! I'm beginning to understand why some folks avoid going to the doctor at all.

Well, it is December, and I choose to look for the magic in the holidays. People are already being nicer to one another. Colored lights are popping up all over. These may be the longest nights of the year - but the Christmas lights that blossom in December really do create their own magic. Whatever the reason, this season is still kind of fun.

Waiting on Test Results

This is about the old time lag between the test and the results. (Yes, this makes two posts on "lags!" LOL.) After my sylvan Thanksgiving visit and close-encounters with Mother Nature, I proceeded into the world of high-tech the morning following my return home. I had an MRI - also known as a "Magnetic Resonance Imaging" test so that the medical establishment (and my doctor) could have a look at the internal state of my neck.

I've had MRI's before. Not to mention PET scans which use a similar technology - or at least the same kind of donut machine. Depending on the test seems to determine the length of the tube. The tests have been kind of fun - in the past. I have seen various parts of my bone body over the years. And I've got to tell you, my bones are simply stunning to look at. They are things of beauty. Text book, not to mention rather lovely in their shape. It's the soft tissue with which I have challenges! Both in use, and in beauty of appearance.

This test, however, although producing a lovely image of my cervical region (yes, I always look at the pictures after. That's half the fun!), was particularly brutal to get through. Perhaps it was because it was so close to my ears and brain - but the noise was almost unbearable - in spite of the earplugs and the thing holding my head in place. It became torture by sound for almost 20 minutes. The noise, in addition to being loud, seemed to drill repetitively into my skull for incredibly long periods of time. If the technician hadn't checked in with me after 10 minutes - I would've aborted the test. And these things aren't cheap! Esp. as my health insurance hasn't even agreed to cover it yet.

Afterwards, the techs said you could tell it was a machine designed by a man because the noise factor hadn't been taken into account. Rather like mammograms. However - in fairness to the male sex - anyone, male or female - so enamoured with the efficiacy of their creation - probably wouldn't think of the noise factor. Because it is a rather marvelous invention. It just needs upgrading really fast 'cause I'm not sure I could take another session like that again.

Anyhoo - back to the test lag. I wasn't being tested for anything serious. I don't think. I hope not. And there lies the rub with having a test. You're used to being you before a test - esp. a health test. You're almost comfortable with the symptoms - assuming they're not immediately life threatening - after all, you've (or in this case, I've) been living with them for some time. But they're not going away. And in my case, they've gotten a bit worse. So. You wonder. And then you have a test.

Presumably, I'll find out the results this week. I'm not sure whether I want to know if there is a definitive problem in my neck. On the other hand, if it shows nothing, what does that help??? And, if there is a problem, is it fixable? By surgery or physical therapy? (Do I want to go there?) Or can I trade in that part of my body and get a bionic one? If there isn't an apparent problem, is it simply in my mind? What next, then? Talk therapy?????

That's the problem with tests and the time lag before you get your results. The uncertainty and the worry. Even if you try very hard to ignore the whole thing. 'Cause your symptoms keep reminding you of the test! Tests - in whatever category - are rather like hurdles. There's your life as you know it before. You jump over the hurdle, and your unknown life begins. Maybe the lag time between test and results can be compared to the time a horse and rider is suspended in air over the hurdle. The big difference being that the horse and rider know really fast how they did. It's us humans with our checks and balances and bureaucratic procedures that force us to stay in a state of uncertainty long enough to become completely paranoid! LOL.

Not to worry. My symptions are not serious - I hope! I've lived this way for some time now. And, if push comes to shove, I could manage one way or the other to go on this way. I suspect my main worry is that I'll have a humongeous amount of physical therapy to do - and I really don't like exercising by rote. Hell, I've never been fond of repetitive exercise. It's very taxing. Not to mention, extremely boring. Sigh.

I would guess that the old test lag is rather like purgatory. It's neither here nor there. It just is. Again - probably character building. I wish you the absence of "lags" in your life.

And so it goes....

Holiday Lag

We've got jet lag. Why not holiday lag? Or post-holiday dislocation?

It's the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I traveled to my sister's the day before T'giving and returned home yesterday afternoon. I had a lovely time. We were in the country and the utter silence was amazing. Well. It wasn't total silence. Nature made herself known, but even the animals we saw all seemed to be on a mute button. Unlike in my condominium, there were no neighbors living above, below or next to our walls. We were the creators of our own joyful noise at their house.

What did we do? We basked lazily in front of the wood stoves. We played darts. We saw a herd of deer. At one point, I startled a mole and a cotton-tailed rabbit. T'giving morning we went for a walk on a nearby railtrail and saw the most magnificent hawk fly lazily across our path. And the sleeping? Superb. No one to wake you up several times in the middle of the night. The silence was almost loud in its quietude. It was as it felt - far, far away from my life - with "civilization" close enough by not to cause panic in this surburan dweller.

And then I came home. Being back feels completely unreal. It's something like the jet lag you get when you travel by plane for 6 or more hours after going away for a week. Being home does not feel like home. Perhaps it is because the preparation for and then, celebrating the holiday was so tightly scheduled. We all wanted to make the most of the time we had for the holiday. Now, I'm back to being my own deadline maker. I'm not liking it much, even tho' I sometimes craved alone time while surrounded by family!

Yes. I unpacked, put my leftovers (yum, leftovers!) in the fridge and thought - o.k. Now what? It had been cloudy all day, when near sunset, the sun broke through under the edge of clouds. The sky was amazing. There were reds, purples, oranges, pinks, mauves, greys, whites, darks and colored wisps. Thankfully, I went out for a drive simply to watch the whole sky. It was beautiful.

Then I was home again. Things still felt strange. They have all day today, too. Yes, I have appointments, dates, maintenance work, plans, etc., etc., and they all seem unreal. This happens to me at Christmas-time too. Holiday lag shows up in the feeling that you're living a kind of quasi-real half-life until your world rights itself (or re-asserts itself). Or the lag ends when you've gotten so involved you don't realize you're back in the swing of things - until you suddenly wonder how long ago you actually went away on a holiday. Maybe it would feel differently if I hosted the festivities at my place.

I imagine any host or hostess of a holiday event - complete with family and guests - never suffers from holiday lag or dislocation. After all, the host is at the epicenter of the holiday. Their life never stops for the holiday. It is all an ongoing part of the hosts' lives. It's the guests, who, upon returning home, need to figure out where they were when they left, and restart their lives. And sometimes, the restarting takes a few days to figure out. It's a bit like the broken sleeping patterns you get after you've flown through several time changes.

The other (and biggest for me) drawback to holiday lag is that it allows far too much space and time for unpleasant thoughts to grab your attention. Perhaps holiday lag is meant to be a character-building time. Me? After all these years, I'm kind of tired of building my character. I'd rather other folks built their characters.

I'll have to think about this hosting business.

Lost M'Cell Phone...Again!

Damn it! That's twice within one year! O.K. it may show up in the oddest place when the pixies decide to return it. And yes, it's not like I had a brain burp and left it at the park, like last time. After seeing it on my counter after charging, my latest cell phone has disappeared from my consciousness - rather like I was abducted by aliens who did all sorts of things before wiping my mind and returning me to planet earth - all within a millisecond (well, o.k., more like 24 hours). Kind of feels like it too. Having been "connected" to the electronic world for some time now, it's rather disconcerting not to be available, or have the world available at the push of a button. Hello, instant gratification. Hard to lose that, too! Like cigarettes....

Actually .... It's tempting to use the abduction theory in conversation to explain much of my past year. Would be a lot more satisfactory to see people's reactions (a straight face is essential) than telling the boring truth of my life. LOL.

Now, as it's major travel time for Thanksgiving, and l'll be one of the travelers, I thought it would be a good idea to stay in touch by getting a TracFone. That way, I can call for help - well, that's the plan. The TracFone was recommended by my sister who swears by it, and uses it to keep track of her kids. It is a simple phone, with basic features (no G2,3 or 4) and you buy your air time as you need it. Inexpensive, too! Honestly, if the pixies decide to keep my phone - I may stick with this new phone. I rather like the new number, and it actually gives me more time and coverage than my proper cell phone. Unless, of course, I become a 24/7 media-dependent, excuse me, a media-connected business woman who needs to stay in touch.

The woman at the store said "Maybe you're not a cell phone person." She may be right. I find it rather cumbersome and annoying to remember to watch out for my cell phone. I believe I am meant to be a telepathic person. Unfortunately, no one can give me printed directions how to use my telepathic talents, yet. I keep trying, but it takes a hell of a lot of effort. Also, it gives me a headache to try. Well - it's either telepathy, or a cellphone implanted directly in my head - so if someone calls me - the number would pop up across my retinas, and all I have to do is tap my ear to answer the call. To make a call, I could tap a tooth, subvocalise a name (i.e. "call Mom") and voila! The call would go thru. To talk - that'd be the usual way. Obviously, I was born way before my "time."

At the very least, I have an inexpensive new toy. I am a definite fan of new toys. I still go into promising toy stores whenever they cross my path. You can get some really cool stuff. Then again, there are the upscale hardware stores where you can get some super cool mini-gadgets - but that's another post.

So, reconnected with the electronic world, I surge back into the flow of life! Or something equally noble. Live long, and call me!

Day After Election Day

This will be brief because, quite frankly, all the voters have simply had it with this year's mid-term elections. And so have I. Why?

Well....I don't know if it was only in the tri-state, New York metropolitan area, but this year's elections seemed to be less about the issues and more about smear tactics. It seems that I have never heard so much, or such relentless negativity broadcast at my eyes and ears - every minute of every day. If it had gone on much longer, I'm almost sure there'd be YouTube videos of candidates "bad" behavior - rather like what happened to Palladino in New York's gubernatiorial race. Few of the political candidates seemed to care to show what they had done or what they planned to do for the populace.

Thank God it's all over. Well, every where there's a clear winner. I know some recounts and lawsuits are being prepared even as I type. This was an extremely ugly campaign time. I'd be amazed if the electorial process didn't lose more voters this year. There was constant blame and shame and attack thrown down ad nauseum. All of us common folk, who were supposed to take arms against one or another candidate - by yesterday - just wanted the whole circus of negativity over and done with. Hopefully, the right people got "in" though Lord knows what it is they're going to do!

Let me not get too much into the amount of money spent on these elections. You'd think it was another Presidential election the way candidates were spending money on both coasts of the United States. It's sickening. In some cases, the amounts equalled the gross national product of some smaller "third world" countries. To think of what good they could have done by contributing that money to the Red Cross, or feeding the hungry in this country, or building low-cost housing or funding alternative energy sources and research, or even establishing medical clinics for the uninsured - it's mind-boggling and tragic.

What's worth that much? Job security? Prestige? Power? And who gives it to them? Are we as voters - that easily led? It all makes me wonder.

Tid Bits

In case you were wondering...

Snow White III
Snow hasn't left our shores yet. And she's really pissed at me. Originally, she was hoping to take a swift current on the early September hurricane winds to help her cross the Atlantic. Alas - I started cleaning out my apartment. Snow hasn't gone anywhere. She said, "I thought better of you after our conversations. Yet here I am, still stuck in the U.S. because you put me on a shelf and forgot all about me! I've had enough of that behavior from others. Why do you think I want to travel? To get off the damn shelf!"

I am deeply sorry for my behavior and have given Snow White my deepest apologies. As long as I get her to the ocean today - I'll be forgiven. So, I am taking her to the beach this afternoon - to launch her on the next leg of her journey. Snow's still hoping to make it across before the winter storms become too strong. Why not fly? Snow explained that getting to the airport is difficult. Also, there's no guarantee she'll even be allowed aboard - for some reason. She'd rather rely on Mother Nature.

My Tree
The young tree, that was planted to fill in where the old Mulberry fell during the March nor'easter, is alive after a long, hot summer. I was out there every day watering it. You'd think I gave birth to it! lol. I think it's grown. It's hard to tell. Like with kids - you see them all the time, so their growth is so gradual it's normal. You don't really see the change unless you leave them for a while. (No, I'm not advocating child abandonment here!) I'm guessing it'll be the same with the tree.

And yes, its leaves changed color. It wasn't dramatic, but kind of cool. The leaves turned yellow from the edges inward - slowly taking over the green. Then they were all yellow. Yesterday, after a day of rain, they turned reddish orange, and then, suddenly, after the winds last night - they've all fallen off! You'd think I'd expect that by now. 'Cept, as with children, it was only "yesterday" it seems, it was planted. I'm very glad it's there.

Well, it's an absolutely gorgeous day out there - 70 degrees, sunny and breezy, and I've got Snow White to launch. TTFN!

P.S. Snow White was launched at 3:30 p.m. yesterday afternoon. She flew through the air with a shout of sheer joy. Last I saw of her, Snow was heading directly for the open sea.
Bon voyage, Snow! May you never be stuck on shelf again!

The Wondrous Hook

Yes, now you're imagining that I'm going to warble on about the philosophy inherent in the evil Captain Hook as pertains to Peter Pan. No such luck! The hook to which I refer is far less lofty, and, in fact, is far more useful. No. I'm not talking about a musical hook, or a crocheting hook (does anyone still do that?) or even a shephard's hook - or is that crook? Anyway.....

Whilst a friend of mine was discovering the bidet in Europe, I was rediscovering the joy of the simple, household hook. Yes. That one. The kind you screw into the wall for the purpose of hanging something from it. I realize that a hook does not remotely compare to the investigative process required by the workings of a bidet by an American citizen newly living abroad. However, the thrill I felt far outweighed - I believe - my friend's trepidation.

Why am I caroling about a hook? Well, being in the throes of tossing my entire apartment, I've been at a loss where to put some things. Installing and using a hook or two in my closet never once crossed my mind. I can only put this perceptual blindness down to being a renter for many years. (Not to mention a Mother who found hooks somewhat vile.)

Ask any one who's done it. Renting can be risky. Especially with regard to the "damage deposit." One hears horror stories of false damage charges, and violent accusations. So, I had become accustomed to only timidly hanging a picture or two on my walls. And closet interiors? They were not to be touched. 'Course, that may have just been my landladies. Truth be told, I have only had wonderful landladies. It was my hang up. :)

But hey, I'm an owner now. (Well, the bank is.) I can put nails in all over my walls if I want. So, now, (happy sigh) I have a hook in my closet to hang a bag. And since you cannot buy just one hook all by itself.... I am in joyful contemplation as to what else I can hang in that space. It was an ephiphany to rediscover the "hook." I may very well put another one up. Or maybe, two.

No. I'm not in Europe, nor am I warily approaching a bidet. However, I can move on now. I have hooks!

I've Got Bumper Stickers Now - Gasp!

It's all a result of this excavating I've been doing. I unearthed two bumper stickers I'd bought several years ago. I had never applied them to my car bumper because of a number of "old" parental judgments about aforesaid stickers. Yes, weird, I know. It's just that those parental judgments can suddenly pop up out of pure, thin air, and blindside me into frozen indecision over the bizarrest (sp?), and smallest of things. Which is probably why I think I kept them in various piles of papers over the years, only to find them once again.

Well, today, I decided to ignore those old messages of "I would never put one on my car. It devalues the car!" "It's really rather tacky. Only people with no taste would put one on their bumper." "You can get into trouble if someone doesn't agree with you." And implied..."Only low class people have bumper stickers on their cars." So, our family cars (and my car) have remained bumper sticker free my entire life. Today, I decided that I would stand up, take fate into my own hands and put those bumper stickers on my car. Hallelujah!

'Course the moment I did, I realized that no one in my condominium parking lot has a bumper sticker. Nor apparently, if you look, do any other cars driving in my town. Or even on the Interstate for the 4 exits that I drove today. Oh, dear. Suddenly, I was feeling very exposed. Talk about putting yourself out there.... Now, it's too late to change my mind. According to legend, once on, you can never remove a sticker from your bumper. So - I've decided to claim them with all the bravado I can muster.

Actually, I do like what they say. Hopefully, they will be thought provoking. One, I hope will gently change people's behaviors. What are these paragons of bumper sticker wisdom???

The first - "Visualize Using Your Turn Signals" (with arrows) - this is a pet peeve of mine, and usually perpetrated by non-hands free cell phone users. The joke is that quite likely "they" are already visualizing without using the signals. :)

The second - "Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights" - this came out (I believe) during the time of the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA). I think it applies to many civil rights issues of our time. Take your pick.

So far, my world has not ended. Mind you, I only applied these stickers early this afternoon. I'm kind of curious to see if they receive any reaction at all.

Why write a post about my bumper stickers? Because putting them on my car felt surprisingly risky. Who knew?

Excavating

About two months ago or so, I decided that I needed to stir up the energy in my life to get moving again after my summer "hiatus." In the principles of feng shui, by de-cluttering your home, and moving the furniture about into hopefully beneficial arrangements, you can actually improve your circumstances. So, with renewed resolve and energy, I started. It's still going on.

I mistakenly thought the whole process might take a couple of weeks to simply move around the big pieces of furniture and, voila! Not so simple. All of a sudden, you wonder, will it all fit that way? Can I reduce two bookcases into one? Good grief! How many piles of paper do I have on the floor - not to mention, books? And they all have to be gone through because there could be something important "in there."

So, what was supposed to be a simple re-arrangement of the great room in my apartment has, instead, become an interesting and challenging undertaking. Why challenging? Oh - attachments to the past, attachments to that funky looking stick I picked up one day, the suspicion that an important bill or two has been buried "in there" somewhere. And, man! Let's get rid of this. Wait a minute....I might need it. O.K. Where can I put it? Oh, but father gave that to me when I was 12. And so on!

I've decided the whole process is rather like dieting. Once you get past the decision to "do," then, you start. And it's not happening as fast as you thought it would. In fact, moving something sometimes creates more problems, and the resolutions take two or more days to solve. I've been doing things in surges. Once I figured out where the main pieces would go - this invoved about a week of staring into space while I moved stuff around my mind - the actual moving only took an intense, and exhausting, day. (I also forgot about the necessary physical recuperation time!) Then, with the next step in mind, I'd move on. Onto going through all my books, cds and dvds to see what I could give the library as a donation. And the clothes (still in process).

And just like dieting, I've found, you have your plateaus. You're up and running with your new way of eating, and after a nice drop of 5 pounds or so, you stay there - day after day, even week after week. Well, after accomplishing my goals of reducing my books, clearing out the storage, getting bookcases to Goodwill, books to the library, clearing out the closet, cleaning out storage drawers, etc., small problem. Every horizontal surface is covered. And I do mean covered. You can barely see a surface anywhere - including my couch.

I am a feng shui disaster!! I am overwhelmed with stuff. Mind you, at least I can see it now. Also, there are treasures I've found. For instance, I rediscovered a poem I wrote years ago. And I really like it. I'm thrilled I kept it. I'm even more thrilled I found it. The poem will probably show up in a post in the near future, as it is Fall, and I wrote it at the change of season.

The decision has been made. This "plateau" must end! Like a diet, I must return to my quest. So this week, I am determined to uncover at least three horizontal surfaces. They may be small, but nonetheless, the contents potentially complex. The treasures I hopefully find will make it fun. I'm planning on being done by Halloween. Onwards, and upwards!