The Comfort of Perspective or Not

Seven months ago, today - if you aren't OCD about number of days in a month - I wrote about being in the crossroads.  And, I also, rather self-judgmentally called myself "dithering" there in those crossroads.  


Over the past 7 months, it has slowly occurred to me that I was being rather an ass in determining my behaviour as "dithering."  Whoosh.  Talk about self-judgment!  Day-um.  No.  I was, and am, simply a soul living life.  Because every moment in every moment of our lives can be construed as a crossroads with a myriad of future possibilities streaming out from each nanosecond.  And, as we change or choose something from moment to moment - so too, do our future possibilities change.  And yes, some possibilities close to us, as well.   There is nothing wrong in that - at all - for any of us.  


It's become eminently clear to me that we all may secretly wish for that one dramatic event to change our lives - while being a little scared of it.  On the other hand, change while constant can be so subtle in our lives that we can be completely oblivious to it until we look back. The last time I wrote here, I was beginning to drown.  Since then, I've managed to surface enough to breathe.  Which I why I'm posting again.  


I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do with my life, or even if I'll live long enough to achieve whatever it is I'm going to do.  Currently, having a temporary job, is providing me with a type of anchor which allows me to even consider a future of possibility.  I have no idea if this will lead to something or if it is simply another checkpoint in the course of one's life.  The best part of the whole thing(?)  is that I'm finally coming to accept that I am not supposed to set the world on fire.  Nor am I responsible for what other people do.  There is a measure of relief there.


Biggest challenge these days is finding ways to accept my self while still maneuvering my way through socially acceptable ways of living and working without judgment for myself or anyone else.  That - and finding ways of keeping a roof over my head, for I'm rather fond of having a place to call "mine."   And.....still, somehow in all that being true to myself.   Was it Shakespeare?  "To thine own self be true."   Man, oh man, that's got to be one of the most deceptively simple sounding challenges of life.  I envy and admire those who seem to have the key.  Then again, what role are we to play in this life?  


Enough philosophy for now.  Let me simply say that you may hear from me more often than every 7 months.  Perspective?  Who knows?  I'm just glad I'm willing to give writing a shot again.  Cheers!

Crossroads

The simple definition of crossroads is the place where two roads meet.  In my case, the crossroads in question feels like part two of the Merriam-Webster definition which states: "A point at which a crucial decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences: 'we stand again at a historic crossroads'."  From where I'm standing, the decision(s) I need to make will potentially only be historic to me.  Also, from where I'm standing, it's not simply a question of whether to turn to the left or the right or even, to take the road less traveled.  No, the crossroads I see for myself have from five to eleven (and sometimes, even more!) routes criss-crossing each other at this point in time, and I seem to be left in the middle of a major intersection dodging situations, and peoples's lives as they shoot by me on their paths. 

Being stuck in the middle of a major crossroads dodging traffic, is the only explanation I have for where I've been for the past month, and why I haven't posted anything in that time.  Now, if I was choosing between heading for the lifeboats or staying on the Titanic - there'd be no hesitation.   Well, o.k., I'd still hesitate. 

At least, it would be clear that I had three choices: 1) going in wee lifeboat with Molly Brown and possibly surviving; or, 2) staying snug in my state room with my head under a pillow whilst the ship sank taking me with it; or 3) going for a North Atlantic swim while struggling against God knows how many layers of petticoats, skirts and whatnot, only to have hypothermia get me.   Now, don't you agree?  There's a clear choice here. 

Actually...., one could choose the showy option (No. 4) and go for a neatly executed swan dive off of the ship's rudder as the ship went nose down into the ocean.  However, surviving a dive of that height (not to mention the close proximity of the keel) is somewhat questionable. 

Without Titanic decisions being offered, what I'm left with are a myriad of small life choices.  For some reason, their apparent smallness makes it all the more difficult for me to choose.  These choices do have the potential to lead to something bigger.  

Unfortunately, there are a whole LOT of them which can overwhelm me.   There's no mysterious little inside voice saying "your life is to be found in the mall," or an inexplicable conviction that I can run the country better than the President so I need to start by running for local office.  "Be practical" you might offer.  I could try to apply for work at a famous discount store, but I'm not at all sure they'd have me! 

It's not simply my work/career, it's also how I'm to live.  So, for the moment, I'm left looking, wondering and spinning about in the middle of my crossroads.  Maybe some God-like figure will take pity on me one day, gently take me by the shoulders, turn me in a direction and give me a shove, and simply say "Go."   Otherwise, I may spend the rest of my time, stuck in the crossroads - dithering.  So, if you don't hear from me.  That's probably where I am living.

 

Rapt for the Rapture!

A lot has been written, posted, billboarded about today.  The day of purported Rapture.  It is now after 5 p.m.  I've been keeping an eye out all day, just in case.   My guy at Starbucks just informed me that it is supposed to occur at 6 p.m. today.  So I have about 40 minutes to write this!  It (being the Rapture) is all very fascinating.  Having been brought up in a non-religious household, I only really know about this event as quoted in Revelation of the Christian Bible and as reported to me by others.  I'm curious about several things.

First, when Rapture occurs, do our bodies leave this current existence along with our souls, or is it simply a matter of our souls leaving?  If it is the latter, there are going to be a LOT of empty bodies lying around for those "left behind" to clean up.   If it is the former, as some of my friends suppose, then yes, it will be a LOT easier to get around in the post-Rapture world.  No lines at the check out.  No lines waiting to get in anywhere.  And it should make driving in formerly congested metropolitan areas a breeze!  Funnily enough, well over 80 percent of my friends are expecting to be "here" after the Rapture.   Obviously the delights of congestion-free living far outweighs the possible delights of the Rapture for them.  I kind of agree with them, though I am firmly waiting to see what if anything happens.   I've got 30 minutes according to Starbucks guy.

There's also the possibility, you know, that the Rapture has been happening in stages.  It could very well be that the man who predicted the Rapture in 1994 was indeed correct!  If you take the premise that the Rapture's happening in stages, it is very possible that a good chunk of the human population disappeared back then. After all, that was before the worldwide coverage of the internet and smartphones and the "no place to hide" world that we have today.   17 years ago it is very possible a large number of people could have been "risen" without the rest of the world knowing. 

So, that could have been Stage 1.   Today, could be Stage 2.    And even tho' it is more tricky to get people "disappeared" these days (as any visiting aliens may have discovered), there are still some remote areas of the world where electronic communication coverage does not exist.   Stage 3 could very well be December 12, 2012 - the end of the Mayan calendar.  Though what the Christians were doing talking with the Mayans - who knows?  At the very least, the Rapture is a fun distraction from the throes of human living.

On the other hand, if it happens, and I'm one of the chosen, and you still have the internet, and you don't hear from me.  Well, it's been fun.  If it happens, and I'm still here afterwards, I'll be curious to see what happens next.   Cheers!

Thank Goodness for Sex Scandals!

Why? They're so titillating, interesting and as long as we're not the named parties, so much fun to watch all the press coverage, and judgment lobbed at these people.  The government must be thrilled to have so much sex on headline news these days.   Well, sex and extreme weather - not that they go together or anything.  The government thrilled?  Why yes.

Sex and weather and reality tv shows.  They've become great distractions from gas prices that are reaching $5/gallon; a national government which is threatening to go into bankruptcy; a national debt which is mind-bogglingly huge;  continued profits by the very companies which inflicted us with a severe recession;  increased layoffs by city and state municipalities; food prices which are spiralling upwards so that some folks can't afford to eat, much less travel to work to pay for the food they can't afford.

The reality tv shows - be they the soap operas of the rich, dance shows, singing shows, dating shows, "how low will you debase yourself for money" shows are all reminiscent of the dance marathons and competitions of the 1930s' Great Depression.  The big difference being that instead of a Dust Bowl, our poor Mid-West is partially drowned and very soggy.  It's also a little like the Romans and their Coliseum.  Keep the public distracted, throw various, carefully selected people to the media outlet wolves. 

I am all for entertainment, and sex certainly sells.  I just wish someone was making more of a concerted effort to see the real life challenges before us - and come up with some concrete, workable plans to alleviate the public's cost of living in today's world.  Distractions do work for a little while - just like sex.  But after that - what next? 

A Morning of Mulch

Yesterday morning, I joined a number of other intrepid souls to help cleanup the center of our little city.  The cleanup basically encompassed picking up trash, loosening dirt underneath sidewalk trees and around the flowering ivy planted underneath, and adding lovely, new mulch.  Mulch is the landscaper's cure-all to making a garden look fresh for Spring. Our scope was limited only by the amount of donated mulch, willing hands and patches of earth. 

The former city center has been hard-hit by economic reverses, the move of the city hall across the river, and the police station to the south end.  Esp. with the recession, there has been a steady loss of  business here, and even the City doesn't seem to be interested in looking after it.  So we did.  Happily, it's not an ugly area.  There's just a lot of litter and somewhat neglected plantings and trees.  All the volunteers brought tools, gloves and muscle.  In return, the organizers brought mulch, litter picker uppers and bags in which to put aforesaid litter.

The donated mulch was fabulous.  There were about 20 large bags for us to use, and we used them all!  The only drawback was that the bags were as stiff as boards!  The bags of mulch must have been at the bottom of a great pile, because not only were they hard with compression, there were ice granules in the middle of each!  Made carrying them about really hard.  I gave up trying after a while, and let the guys show off their superior strength while I made helpful suggestions as I picked up litter. :) 

One of the men, Ted, turned out to have a way of breaking up the blocks of mulch with his bare hands.  Most impressive.  He said they were really cold.  I didn't believe him.  They were!  There was ice in there!  Then he reminded me that way, way back in the early 20th century blocks of ice used to be kept in wood shavings for delivery to home iceboxes.   The wood shavings kept the blocks of ice from melting before they were delivered.   The joys of early refrigeration.  Who knew? 

After about 3 1/2 hours of tidying, mulching, digging, raking and entertaining passing pedestrians, we retired to a local restaurant/coffee shop for some well-earned food, discussion and rest.  Not only was the work satisfying to our souls, it also gave all of us the chance to hang out with some cool folks.  Afterwards, yes.  The mulch really does make the plots of land around the young trees look nice.  And hey, a litter-free street.  Looked really great.  So.  I am a new advocate for the judicious use of fresh mulch in the Spring (and strong hands to break it up if it's frozen!).

 

Magic Sunglasses

I drove to the park the other day to get a solid walk in without neighborhood Andrettis threatening my well-being or choking me with diesel exhaust fumes.  The sun was shining, the sky was blue with a number of wispy clouds floating overhead, and the temperature was perfect.  As I drove in to the parking area, I happened to glance up, and nearly fell out of the car. 

Up in the sky was the most delightful smear of cloud reaching from one side to the other, full of color.  It's not a rainbow, it was a huge smear of color.  The greens, amythests and yellows were all reminiscent of the delicate colors found in fluorite crystals.  Yet they were strong enough to stand out against the sky.

This particular cloud was different from those around it.  It was the only one with color.  I looked all over.  No.  This one was special.  It was as though a fragment of the northern aurora borelis had torn off, and been blown down to my part of the world.  It was very delicate, yet the colors were distinct and beautiful.  I was curious though why only I seemed enchanted with this sky display.  There were lots of folks about, the weather guaranteed that.  But no one seemed to see the colors.   After all, many folks will stop for a rainbow, why weren't they stopping for this colorful cloud? 

Could it simply be my sunglasses?  So I removed them.  Instantly, the depth of color disappeared.  The color was still there in the cloud, just very faint.  Actually, they didn't disappear totally, it's just that whatever "they" do to sunglasses to protect our eyes, magnified and deepened the colors present in the cloud.   Sunglasses back on, the colors reappeared! Cool!  On, off.  On, off.  Magic glasses! 

Just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating - after all, anything's possible. :)  I asked a woman walking by in her sunglasses if she saw the colors.  She looked up, and stopped dead.  She had magic glasses, too!  Then when I explained, she peeked without her glasses and confirmed that the colors faded away.  The colorful cloud stayed around for a while, then gradually shredded away into the blue sky.

So there you have it.  Sunglasses are magic.  At least, mine were on Friday.  Beautiful. 

Busting Out All Over!

It literally seems like Nature is busting out all over.  Everything appears to be blooming.  This probably includes some people's allergies, too!  The trees are blossoming in innumerable shades of dark to light greens.  The maples are sporting red blossoms,  the dogwoods and tulip trees are on full display with their Spring flowers.  The daffodils, the hyacinths, the tulips, pansies, etc. are going crazy.  When you drive by plant nurseries, you are assaulted by a riot of color!

All the rhodedendrons are blooming, the weeping (and not weeping) cherry trees are showing off their delicate pinks.  The bushes of bridal wreath are showcasing masses of small white flowers.  Lawns fed appropriately by the many April rains are a deep, fresh green, and the dandelion population of the Northeast is making itself known.  

Not sure if Nature needed our Easter celebrations as a signal, but seemingly overnight, the blossoming exploded.  Throw in the relatively cool temps, the changeable weather, and voila!  Spring!  One of my favorite things is to see the scatterings of tiny flowers on the carpets of green grass.  They flourish with light pinks, purples, yellows, blues and white.  The flowers make the grass look as though someone purposely dusted the lawns with confectioner's sugar - the flowers so tiny and delicate. 

Yes, I sound positively dotty, don't I?  It's just all rather impressive when you take a minute or two, and really look around at all the blossoming going on.  'Course if you're in a city, there's a lot less greenery around to smack you in the face with their sudden flowers.  Have you noticed, though, that the air changes?  It feels softer and gentler.  With the changing light, longer days and gentle breezes, all you want to do is stay outside and wander around - or find the perfect sidewalk cafe and spend the evening there.   After this past winter of record snows, this Spring is very welcome.

There Was A Man

Yes. There was.  And he may be the reason for my long silence.  Tho', in retrospect, he also makes for a good story.  In the common yard area at the north end of my building, I have developed a small garden.  It's small out of necessity because the entire yard (I suspect) was used as the building material dumping ground when they built this place.  You cannot dig more than 2 inches before you are running into old concrete, strange rusted bits of metal, door fixtures and innumerable small rocks.  I discovered this personally whilst trying to make a garden. 

Over the past five years or so, I have dug out the "garbage" and replaced the sand, concrete, etc. with fertilized soil and various plants and flowers.  I now have a small patch of really healthy, dark soil with any number of worms.  (The latter a sign of soil health.)  And, as it's Spring, I've planted it with pansies.  Pansies can withstand the temperature variables of Spring weather, and their flowers are wonderfully colorful.  Recently, I squeezed in a couple of dwarf dahlias, and my daffodils have finally bloomed - so it all looks rather nice.

Well, last week, hearing a voice outside my window, I looked to see who it was.  (I don't get much traffic outside my windows.  I'm lucky.)  There, to my outraged eyes, I saw a strange man casually talking into his phone while simultaneously peeing on my pansies.  Boy, was I pissed!  There's a bunch of grass there, plus several trees - not to mention the side of the building.  Does he choose them? NO!  He chooses my wee garden, and pisses on my pansies! Well!

 I threw open the window and yelled, "WTF are you doing?"  The man ignored me, zipped up and walked away - all the time talking calmly on his cell phone.  He never once looked at me, or possibly even heard me.  Eeeeeee I was vexed.  Once I'd calmed down, and after telling a few folks, and starting to see the funny side - especially the alliteration - I told my sister.  She, who lives and gardens in a large metropolitan city, laughed and said......"Welcome to urban gardening!"   Who knew????

 

Who Is That Woman?

In the pursuit of employment, it is advised that one have a profile on LinkedIn, as it is the premier online connection for millions (if not billions) of people in the work-a-day world.  In addition to having one's professional information profile - which can be a bit of struggle to put together if your strength is being a generalist - it is recommended that one put up a photograph of oneself, too. 

Over the past several months I have enlisted various friends, at various times, to take my picture for this purpose.  They have all been fabulous at taking my picture.  The only problem is that their idea of how I need to look is wildly different, in some cases, than how I would like to look.  Then again, there is that small matter.  Really, it is insignificant.... That small matter in which I really don't see myself all the time, especially compared to what other's see.  So, when a picture is taken, they (all very discriminating people) usually find one or two that they feel shows "me."  The "me" that they know.  And there's the rub.

The "me" that they know, is not the "me" that I know. In fact, it has been rather a shock to see myself the way everyone else sees me.  (And digital high definition definitely takes getting used to! lol)  My image of "me" is quite different than the reality of what they see - as shown in the photos.  Also, I'm beginning to discover, that my image of "me" changes with the age and the personality of the person with whom I am spending time.  I forget me.  So, to see me as others do is rather suprising.

A very kind photographer whom I met at my last job, offered to take my photographs since I was despairing of my friends' results.  Yesterday, I went to visit Robert, and he shot a whole bunch of photos.  He has a marvelous way of making you relax and enjoy yourself - even whilst being immortalized by digital pixels.  The photographs are marvelous.  I just don't recognize the person in them!  That can't be me.  And, if it is me, when did I get that pronounced squint in one eye?????  It's not there today! That woman can't be me, can she?  

Two of the wonderful photos taken yesterday now grace my LinkedIn and Facebook pages.  They don't scare me - much.  So I'm really hoping they won't scare others.   I'm thinking I need to get to know this woman I haven't recognized.  She obviously has some stories I'd like to hear.

Lovely, Lovely Day

Spring can be so lovely.  Today, even though the wind was chilly in the shade, if you found a sheltered spot, you'd find that the April sun is truly so much warmer than the January one.  The sun, the blue sky and the bracing wind was just so beautiful.  

You can also tell that the season's changed by the return of droves of Canadian geese in the parks.  Yes, it was a snowy winter for us.  But one of the forgotten benefits of all that snow, is that the geese are forcibly reminded that they need to migrate for food.  Thus, for a brief time we can have a poop-free park! 

I am also very happy to have discovered that Spring has not ignored my little patch of ground outside my apartment.  For me, my patch of ground I can see outside my windows is "mine."  I've planted bulbs for the past several years and nothing's come up to my great disappointment.  (I suspect the local squirrels.) It's also on the north side of the building so its exposure to the Spring sun is limited.

Well, today, to my joy, I found two skinny shoots just peeking up out of the soil in my small garden, and a couple of shoots underneath the wee tree which was planted last June.  Yay!  Nature works!  I have no idea what's coming up, but I am looking forward to seeing what grows.  Woe betide to anyone or anything that threatens my shoots.  Why?  They're a reassurance to me, that new starts can happen, hopeful work can yield results, and even more, Spring is here and happening!  To borrow a phrase from Carly Simon "It's coming around again."   Lovely day.

Tweaking My Time Manager

Where have I been?  Well, I've actually been here, so-to-speak, on this computer, on these keys pretty solidly for the past week.  I have taken breaks for sleeping, exercising, eating, running errands and occasionally staring out the window!  But never far from here - just far from this blog.  My mind's been running at high speed on many levels.  It's sorting things out so they are most effective - which has been challenging.  Why?  Because none of those "things" are solid, like socks. :)  Each of those things is a thought or concept, and each requires organization rather like a jewelry heist.   Am I?  No.  Sadly, my life is far more pedestrian at the present time.   On the other hand, certainly would be fun to figure out the logistics of a good heist!  Ewan MacGregor would have to be my co-star in the movie.  Hmmmm.

What am I doing?  I am in the throes of electronically branding myself so that I may encourage someone to hire me on a full time basis.  Or even, a part time basis.  This branding of my electronic presence is challenging me to reassess my past and my present to discover my professional diamonds. (Yes, obviously, I have jewels on the brain.  Sigh.)  It's kind of fun.  I've been reminded of things I'd forgotten all about.  And there've been some fun memories to which I've been re-introduced.  Then, I've added them online to various databases. 

'Course the question looms as to whether all this database information allows me any flexibility to either change my goals or brand.  Chameleons (sp?) or people aspiring to change as they grow should probably never fill in a Lindedin Profile or get too heavily into Facebook. Why?  Because the Internet search engines never seem to gracefully dis-remember what you said at one time.  So I am being a bit careful as to what goes on there.  For I am now writing in the world's history book.  The Internet has become an international journal of life, as we know it, on a daily basis.  And I'm finding it very time consuming.

That's why I need to tweak my time manager persona into organizing and controlling these ephemeral online timestreams.  Otherwise, my laundry will not get done, the floor won't be washed, and most importantly, I'll forget to go out and meet people in person for interviews or even lunch! Good lord!  Is that the time???  I'll see you soon.