My Thanks For My Friends

I've a friend who's heading into the rain forest of Peru to help them get clean water; I've another who's friend is missing in Western CT and is amongst the over 70 photographers searching the land to find him - its been three days; there's another who lunched today by the water in the sunshine with her young son; and one who's just had an operation, and is recuperating before going out and managing wildfires; one who's promoting a coffee for the benefit of her home country in Seattle; there's another who moved across the country, and discovered a new life with his family; there's another who worries over the health of her daughter, and yet, can still find beauty in the world around her; there's another conquering mountains with joy and love in his heart; and another bunch stunned and thrilled from the spiritual retreat they've been on; and another reviewing her and her mother's life as she goes through her mother's things; and another, celebrating the armed forces in which he so proudly served; and another who's suddenly grown up daughter just got married; and another who aches over the losses she's had this past year while forging steadily ahead; and another who worries about the state of our oceans and the sea life; and another glorying in future possibilities while ending her studies in Italy; and another who's best friend is a cat who loves to drink from the faucet; and another who paints with passion; and another who sees the miraculous in her young twins. 

It is truly an amazing fabric that is woven through these and many more connections, and I am truly blessed and grateful to be able to see - however briefly - through all of your eyes. My small, quiet life is made so much greater from knowing each and every one of you. You allow me to travel and explore with you. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

Imploding

Imploding – “To collapse violently inward” per various dictionaries.

That’s the way it has felt for the past two Mondays.  Not necessarily all day long, though certainly longer than a minute or two.  It’s almost panic inducing.  And I find the repercussions can last for hours.   It’s a really ugly feeling. 

A lot of it has to do with the fact that another Monday has rolled around without earning any income to support my home and my life.  Yes, I know.  It’s kind of sad that my life purpose seems to be totally framed by whether or not I’m working.  Work has helped frame my entire life since school.  It has been especially important as I seem to be without a clue as to how to frame it for myself.   At the same time, I deeply wish not to be a victim of circumstance, because then you are truly powerless.  It’s very much a Catch-22 or a vicious cycle that I’d like to break.

I do not wish to be an insane person – defined as one who keeps doing the same thing, hoping for a different result.  I wish to make some changes.  I don’t see any possibilities at the moment that either a) want me, or b) that I’m willing to fight for.  All I know for certain is that I don’t want to go through that soul-sucking feeling of implosion, again.  It’s utterly destructive.

So, yes, to counteract that possibility, I need to do something so time consuming and/or new next Monday so that imploding won’t even be a remote possibility.  I’ve exhausted food shopping, going to the library, walking, buying coffees at Starbucks, going for long drives around my local communities.  And I don't wish to exhaust my friendships.   Most  other options require money that I’m presently trying to conserve, so yes, there is always volunteering.

The trick is finding the right volunteer opportunities.  I already volunteer one afternoon each week.  Other options I’ve come across don’t appear to be half so engaging – and….I’d really like to avoid the vampire-like behaviors of organizations who basically have variations of “oh, you’re so wonderful for doing that.  Can we put you down for this, and this, as well, in perpetuity??”  Once you’ve said yes to something, often an organization will squeeze you dry.  Why?  Because, as with so many of us, they would rather tap a ready source than cold call for new ones.  Volunteering is not always the answer here for me.  

   

So.  Obviously, my next assignment is to come up with something new for next Monday – at the very least.  Preferably, I’ll find something to take care of all my Mondays until I am next occupied with an income-producing occupation.  A creative challenge.  Hmmmmmmm.

So That's What They're For!

Silly, I know.  It's always a good reminder that February brings the BIG snows around here, and it's often preceded by bitingly cold temperatures.  And then, you go foraging around your closets and storage spaces looking for where you put your things from last winter.  With luck you find them.

The bulky comforter which has been taking up 1/2 the space hanging in your coat closet for most of the year; the puffy coat with a big hood (if you're lucky enough to have one) taking up almost the other 1/2 of your coat closet.  And then there are the boots, the gloves - light and heavy - the scarves, the hats, the ear muffs and...if you're very young - probably the snow suits.  You realize anew that there is a very good reason for having these things.  And, have you noticed how your scarves, etc. keep growing?  Usually it's a symptom of not being able to find last year's when you need them now!

This winter, I confess, I really did have that moment of...."so, that's what they're there, for!"  This a-ha moment occurred in the midst of my clearing out as much unnecessary stuff in my home that I could.  I was sternly eyeing all these things which hadn't been used in seemingly forever - and I wanted to toss them out.   When suddenly Winter decided to make itself intimately known.  All those bits and pieces of winter warmth and protection against possible frostbite are really necessary.   They certainly feel necessary.  

Do you have favorite winter clothing or an accessory?  Mine are the ear muffs.  I have three pairs.  I love them.  They almost make hats unnecessary.   Yes, o.k. they can look a little odd - esp. the huge fluffy ones, but they keep me warm as toast.  Their place in my home was never in jeopardy.  They're especially excellent when it's windy and you're shoveling snow after the storm.   Post storm snow shoveling is one of my favorite activities.  It is the one exercise you can do that is not only healthy....it also gives you immediate results!

It's January - Eeek! - And a musing

I realized today that following my last post, I could very easily see my readers (if they're out there) being left with the impression that the aforementioned dental session has been going on ever since November....leaving me toothless!  Happy to say, that's not the case.  All went well.  I still have the remainder of my teeth, and I am deeply hoping not to have a repeat of that experience.  The dentist's office is always such an immediate reminder that we're human and therefore, subject to constant change.  Kind of wish my teeth were invulnerable.  Don't you wish yours were?

Now, for a stray musing that's been recurring a lot lately.  Have you noticed how most people cross a street?  Not the ones who stick to the cross walks.  No.  I mean everybody else.  Everybody I've seen lately crossing the street - either while I'm at a light or having them cross directly in front of my car in the middle of the street - don't directly cross the street.  They all "angle" their way  across the street.

It's never a direct cross - i.e. a 90 degree cross from the side of the road.  You will notice this is true, even if the traffic is stopped in both directions.  Anglers will manage to angle as they weave their way through the cars.  And, of course, the more frustrating anglers tend to dawdle in front of your car especially if they notice you getting frustrated.  Many, many times these angle crossers seem to be doing it where ever and when ever they wish.  There is no apparent concern for their own safety.  Human vs. machine.  Or Human vs. Driver's reaction time and really, really good brakes.  It makes you wonder - are they all invulnerable?  Or do they all have a secret death wish?

Heaven help you if you comment on the fact they're dawdling away in front of your car, or that they've   scared the bejezus out of you because they just stepped out in front of you - irregardless of how fast you are going, and whether or not there's a green light.  You are most likely to be given the finger or sworn at most ferociously.  In one instance, I was hounded for about 100 feet, and sworn at for every step they took.  Truly - I did not start it by swearing at them.  I had shaken my arms at them.  I was just in shock.  Personally, I'm just really glad I didn't hit the child in the stroller when she was pushed in front of my car - in the middle of the street - from behind a van.  

At any rate this is not meant to be a rant.  It just puzzles me.  Don't folks realize that when they angle across a street - they are exposed to "vehicular traffic" far more than if they just go straight across?  It's a simple matter of geometry! lol.  And yes, I have to confess, when I'm feeling strong and quick of foot (if not impatient), I, too, will angle my way across the street.  It just seems to be an odd predilection for us humans to have when you consider  the general size and heft of  the vehicles on our roads.

Please Extract #31

There it is, simply written in beautiful cursive handwriting.  Three word groups starkly displayed on a very small white envelope with an even smaller x-ray inside.  "Please extract #31."  For some reason, the very simplicity of the phrase has a much larger impact than its basic visual appearance.  Probably because we are talking about a tooth.  One of mine.

Now, I've had a tooth extracted before.  Knowing what it entails probably makes those three words so very strong.  I think, too, that the word "extract" sounds much more threatening than "pulled."  The word "pulled" implies some cozy, after dinner story about wrapping a string around the tooth in question (whilst very young), and tying the other end around a door knob, rock, toaster, or some kind of object  to pull the offending tooth out so you have something to put under your pillow for the Tooth Fairy.  Money usually being the reward.

Being somewhat older now, the tooth in question needs to be "extracted," usually by a dental surgeon type. [This, of course, does not address those teeth lost to high impact moments usually experienced in fighting, or accidents where the face comes into forcible contact with an immovable object.]

Now, not only does the tooth  need to be extracted by this oral surgeon, but instead of receiving a nice monetary reward for the removal of the offending tooth - for my own good - I am responsible for laying out a hefty chunk of cash.  Where's the Tooth Fairy now???  I'd really like to know, because there seems to be a great imbalance here!  Never mind the visions of being a toothless wonder which dance in my head.

I comfort myself with the fact that the hefty fee going to the oral surgeon is honestly earned.  In some cases, I understand, it can be the struggle of the century to extract certain teeth.  I have found out from the receptionist that my surgeon spends most of his time "extracting" teeth.  So he probably needs the extra cash to pay for his treatments for elbow and shoulder tendinitis.  

I have a lovely vision of the gentleman - in a Popeye-like way - where one arm/shoulder is hugely, over-developed  which he waves around with a pair of pincer-like tongs in his hand.   Happily, I can say that a) the experience hasn't been that bad, and, b) unhappily? (lol) his arms actually look normal.

The event is still to come.  In the meantime, each time I pass the area where that very small white envelope sits, all I can see are the words...."Please Extract #31."

A Taste of "Posh"

A little while ago, I took my car in for one of those complete overall checkups at my car dealership.  (Yes, I am slavishly attached to them - they give me free oil changes.)  As their courtesy ride doesn't extend to another town where I've been doing contract work - for the first time ever, I got a loaner car.  And, oh boy, was that car nice.

You see, despite my expensive tastes and my penchant for indulging my whims in many ways, I long ago decided, albeit reluctantly, that chosing a road vehicle would be sensible choice.  Needless to say, a large part of that was fitting within my means, have a good track record for service and mpg, and....have certain essentials such as music, air conditioning and cup holders. Must have the cup holders!  My requirements are quite simple.  My car, being a 2003 model, fits the bill.  It's so simple in some ways that the windows are still rolled up by hand, and the door locks are all manual.

My loaner car was entirely seductive.  Oy.  It had been explained that all the economy cars were already rented out, but I really wasn't listening.   I was too busy being anxious about getting to work at a reasonable hour.  Then....I was introduced to Black Beauty.  She was - no, not a horse - but a stunning luxury sedan that had at least two feet on my car, and nary a water mark anywhere that I could see upon her gleaming exterior.  The interior was spotless with leather seats, and streamlined everything.  It too me a few minutes to discover where basic necessities (like the cup holders) were hidden.  Everything was electronic and digital. Funnily enough, I felt a low sense of panic as tho' 1) I wasn't old enough to have my parents car, and 2) I really needed to dress up to sit in it.

I did feel very swank in it.  And oh, did I enjoy how responsive the car was to my requests for power.  Wow.  Talk about seductive.  I was master of the turnpike, surging along in the fast lane.  (Think it had a V8 engine versus my 1.4 liter.)  I have to confess at being a little over cautious.  Heaven forbid I get into a fender bender, 'cause it felt a little like driving a boat.  Yes, the car was responsive and powerful, but its sheer size made me feel a bit clumsy with it.  None-the-less, I felt totally, utterly swank as though I was swanning around in something very special for a special occasion.  Not a simple loaner car.  I felt I should have been going to the opera or a concert in the City - not driving to and from work.

That evening, I had further proof that posh luxury sedans are really not for me.  For a total of 18 miles of  driving - I had to return with the gas tank full - it cost $11.00!!!!!!  Outrageous!  So, as you can see, a taste of posh was a delightful visit to the side where the other 1/2 lives.  For now, I'm very happy in my half with my economic, spritely and very responsive beauty.  My car definitely rocks, and doesn't make me nervous.  lol.

Just Today

Low and slow today.

Massive headache kept me pinned to my armchair for hours.
Had a massive paperback to occupy me while I concentrated on not moving my head.
It wasn't enough.
Ate bagel chips and chocolate comfort food while I read.
It wasn't enough.

Finally broke away from my chair to pickup a prescription - my life on meds.

Wasn't until I got a late afternoon latte that I started to recover.
Glorious caffeine!

It's damn near 6:30 p.m. now, and I'm finally perking up a bit,
While the world starts to slow down for a new week.

I need another day.
_______________________

Today was glorious out - warm with a lovely, cooling breeze.
And I saw it go by from my chair inside.
Unable to stir myself beyond the door.
Another day lost in this life.

"Move yourself!" They cry.  "Go out, mingle, find connections, create your life!"
Like the ebb and flow of water, I have fought to do just that - for decades -
seeking those connections that speak, that spark, that love, that laugh.

Only to discover time after time, after time, that some thing is missing.
Some thing I have lost or never had.
The connections never click into place.
They bump and slide away with a slick speed.

And the surge of paralysis threatens to drown me me again.
It overwhelms possibility.
Potential becomes meaningless.
Simple risk becomes life threatening.
Only survival remains as a goad.

Oh wait!  I've got to water the flowers this evening.

Winter Lights

Driving home last night in the dusk I passed a house that had two bushes decorated in white lights.  Then a little further along, through the trees, there was a house that had a great evergreen in its garden with spiraling white lights from the top to the bottom.  Each made me smile.  There were at least four or five more instances of white lights on trees or bushes on my way home.  One, a tiny, tiny tree in the middle of a great mown field with nothing else around it.  There it stood, shining out into the growing darkness.   And you know, even though you could argue that the property owners where just being lazy in leaving their Christmas lights up, I really, really appreciated their friendly lights in the face of the oncoming winter night.  Why?  Simply because they made me smile.  They're no longer holiday lights - but, winter lights. Winter Lights....joyous in their glow....warming my spirit on a winter's night.  

The Comfort of Perspective or Not

Seven months ago, today - if you aren't OCD about number of days in a month - I wrote about being in the crossroads.  And, I also, rather self-judgmentally called myself "dithering" there in those crossroads.  


Over the past 7 months, it has slowly occurred to me that I was being rather an ass in determining my behaviour as "dithering."  Whoosh.  Talk about self-judgment!  Day-um.  No.  I was, and am, simply a soul living life.  Because every moment in every moment of our lives can be construed as a crossroads with a myriad of future possibilities streaming out from each nanosecond.  And, as we change or choose something from moment to moment - so too, do our future possibilities change.  And yes, some possibilities close to us, as well.   There is nothing wrong in that - at all - for any of us.  


It's become eminently clear to me that we all may secretly wish for that one dramatic event to change our lives - while being a little scared of it.  On the other hand, change while constant can be so subtle in our lives that we can be completely oblivious to it until we look back. The last time I wrote here, I was beginning to drown.  Since then, I've managed to surface enough to breathe.  Which I why I'm posting again.  


I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do with my life, or even if I'll live long enough to achieve whatever it is I'm going to do.  Currently, having a temporary job, is providing me with a type of anchor which allows me to even consider a future of possibility.  I have no idea if this will lead to something or if it is simply another checkpoint in the course of one's life.  The best part of the whole thing(?)  is that I'm finally coming to accept that I am not supposed to set the world on fire.  Nor am I responsible for what other people do.  There is a measure of relief there.


Biggest challenge these days is finding ways to accept my self while still maneuvering my way through socially acceptable ways of living and working without judgment for myself or anyone else.  That - and finding ways of keeping a roof over my head, for I'm rather fond of having a place to call "mine."   And.....still, somehow in all that being true to myself.   Was it Shakespeare?  "To thine own self be true."   Man, oh man, that's got to be one of the most deceptively simple sounding challenges of life.  I envy and admire those who seem to have the key.  Then again, what role are we to play in this life?  


Enough philosophy for now.  Let me simply say that you may hear from me more often than every 7 months.  Perspective?  Who knows?  I'm just glad I'm willing to give writing a shot again.  Cheers!

Crossroads

The simple definition of crossroads is the place where two roads meet.  In my case, the crossroads in question feels like part two of the Merriam-Webster definition which states: "A point at which a crucial decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences: 'we stand again at a historic crossroads'."  From where I'm standing, the decision(s) I need to make will potentially only be historic to me.  Also, from where I'm standing, it's not simply a question of whether to turn to the left or the right or even, to take the road less traveled.  No, the crossroads I see for myself have from five to eleven (and sometimes, even more!) routes criss-crossing each other at this point in time, and I seem to be left in the middle of a major intersection dodging situations, and peoples's lives as they shoot by me on their paths. 

Being stuck in the middle of a major crossroads dodging traffic, is the only explanation I have for where I've been for the past month, and why I haven't posted anything in that time.  Now, if I was choosing between heading for the lifeboats or staying on the Titanic - there'd be no hesitation.   Well, o.k., I'd still hesitate. 

At least, it would be clear that I had three choices: 1) going in wee lifeboat with Molly Brown and possibly surviving; or, 2) staying snug in my state room with my head under a pillow whilst the ship sank taking me with it; or 3) going for a North Atlantic swim while struggling against God knows how many layers of petticoats, skirts and whatnot, only to have hypothermia get me.   Now, don't you agree?  There's a clear choice here. 

Actually...., one could choose the showy option (No. 4) and go for a neatly executed swan dive off of the ship's rudder as the ship went nose down into the ocean.  However, surviving a dive of that height (not to mention the close proximity of the keel) is somewhat questionable. 

Without Titanic decisions being offered, what I'm left with are a myriad of small life choices.  For some reason, their apparent smallness makes it all the more difficult for me to choose.  These choices do have the potential to lead to something bigger.  

Unfortunately, there are a whole LOT of them which can overwhelm me.   There's no mysterious little inside voice saying "your life is to be found in the mall," or an inexplicable conviction that I can run the country better than the President so I need to start by running for local office.  "Be practical" you might offer.  I could try to apply for work at a famous discount store, but I'm not at all sure they'd have me! 

It's not simply my work/career, it's also how I'm to live.  So, for the moment, I'm left looking, wondering and spinning about in the middle of my crossroads.  Maybe some God-like figure will take pity on me one day, gently take me by the shoulders, turn me in a direction and give me a shove, and simply say "Go."   Otherwise, I may spend the rest of my time, stuck in the crossroads - dithering.  So, if you don't hear from me.  That's probably where I am living.

 

Rapt for the Rapture!

A lot has been written, posted, billboarded about today.  The day of purported Rapture.  It is now after 5 p.m.  I've been keeping an eye out all day, just in case.   My guy at Starbucks just informed me that it is supposed to occur at 6 p.m. today.  So I have about 40 minutes to write this!  It (being the Rapture) is all very fascinating.  Having been brought up in a non-religious household, I only really know about this event as quoted in Revelation of the Christian Bible and as reported to me by others.  I'm curious about several things.

First, when Rapture occurs, do our bodies leave this current existence along with our souls, or is it simply a matter of our souls leaving?  If it is the latter, there are going to be a LOT of empty bodies lying around for those "left behind" to clean up.   If it is the former, as some of my friends suppose, then yes, it will be a LOT easier to get around in the post-Rapture world.  No lines at the check out.  No lines waiting to get in anywhere.  And it should make driving in formerly congested metropolitan areas a breeze!  Funnily enough, well over 80 percent of my friends are expecting to be "here" after the Rapture.   Obviously the delights of congestion-free living far outweighs the possible delights of the Rapture for them.  I kind of agree with them, though I am firmly waiting to see what if anything happens.   I've got 30 minutes according to Starbucks guy.

There's also the possibility, you know, that the Rapture has been happening in stages.  It could very well be that the man who predicted the Rapture in 1994 was indeed correct!  If you take the premise that the Rapture's happening in stages, it is very possible that a good chunk of the human population disappeared back then. After all, that was before the worldwide coverage of the internet and smartphones and the "no place to hide" world that we have today.   17 years ago it is very possible a large number of people could have been "risen" without the rest of the world knowing. 

So, that could have been Stage 1.   Today, could be Stage 2.    And even tho' it is more tricky to get people "disappeared" these days (as any visiting aliens may have discovered), there are still some remote areas of the world where electronic communication coverage does not exist.   Stage 3 could very well be December 12, 2012 - the end of the Mayan calendar.  Though what the Christians were doing talking with the Mayans - who knows?  At the very least, the Rapture is a fun distraction from the throes of human living.

On the other hand, if it happens, and I'm one of the chosen, and you still have the internet, and you don't hear from me.  Well, it's been fun.  If it happens, and I'm still here afterwards, I'll be curious to see what happens next.   Cheers!