Good Morning!

Good Morning, to you.  Yes it is.  After a sleep, I am feeling better.  And I have to laugh a little at myself.  You see I've been reading a book called The Four Insights: Wisdom, Power and Grace of the Earthkeepers by Alberto Villoldo, Ph.D.  In the book he explains that we are the author of our experiences.  Thus, if we are having a difficult day or days or life, he says that indicates that there is some inbalance within us that remains unhealed, for the universe only reflects back to us how we live and think.  He says at one point "When we become peace, serenity and abundance, these will prevail in our lives."  After my last post, you can see that I have a ways to go! lol. 

It may seem like so much "mumbo jumbo" to some.  I feel it is a worthy goal.  Why not believe that we can dream/create a world of peacefulness, joy and abundance by incorporating it into our lives?  It is as good a plan as any, and far less harmful than many currently in vogue.  I prefer to avoid living my life as a victim of circumstance - as so many people have resigned themselves to be.  Far better to believe in one's power to create a world of good, and live in that manner.  And rather than blaming myself for creating noxious circumstances, and suffering, remind myself to look for another way of responding to the circumstances.  Yah - it's getting deep here.  But a worthwhile concept to consider none-the-less. 

I have a third bumper sticker on my car.  It expresses an approach to life to which I aspire.  It says "Whatever you do - is it necessary, truthful and kind?"  An old friend of my parents saw it recently and said, "Oh, I don't want to have to work that hard."  Is it really hard work?  Or is it simply a matter of staying conscious of one's thoughts and actions.  I think it is a choice.  One can simply relax back into the way things "always are" and let themselves be storm-tossed by supposed circumstance - or - one can choose to practice consciousness, and make the world their own.  It takes a certain amount of courage and trust, I imagine.  I'm still working all this out for myself. 

 

Grumble, Grumble, Grumble - Pah!

And, for good measure....Bah Humbug!  Actually I'd say a LOT more a lot more forcibly and "colorfully" but it wouldn't be seemingly.  It's probably because I'm feeling crappy today.  It's just seems that the universe is ignoring all my attempts to act kindly, lovingly and consciously so that it might beam it back showing me a kinder world.  No.  For some reason, lately, people seem to be acting more thoughtlessly than ever.  Maybe they've been infected with "end of the world" fever and therefore, they've decided to not bother with common courtesy and be civilized any longer.  Yes.  Judgment here.  In spades.  I admit it.

Maybe it is simply the overwhelming greediness of the oil companies who keep jacking up our gas prices "because of Omar Quaddaffi" - pah! the oil companies have masses of oil reserves.  They just want to keep making a profit at our expense.  Moreover, our congressional and senate "representatives" in Washington, D.C.  seem to be quite happy letting them do so.  No one with any power is showing any interest in reigning in oil prices within the United States borders.  So who pays?  Those who can least afford it.  Us.  Let's blame the situation in the Middle East.   Why?  It's so much easier than accepting responsibility for looking after ourselves and our livelihoods. 

And the blatant redundancy of government spending is another peeve of mine.  I was shadowed along the Post Road recently by a brand new, huge SUV in spotless white paint and blue letters which announced it was the "POLICE"  and "Homeland Security."  So yes, now we have the NSA, the CIA, the FBI, the DEA, the Immigration Police, the Armed Forces (and all their Reserves), 50 sets of State Police, and then the local municipality police forces - all to protect the masses - from each other and the world.  I'm sure I've missed a lot of agencies of which I am ignorant.  Sadly, we, the citizens, rarely get to see any visible benefit. 

There is so much redundancy in law enforcement agencies that they actually start having pissing matches over who is going to handle what - especially if it is an "exciting" matter.  The sad thing is that all that money spent on all those different agencies would probably be better spent if they were consolidated.  And maybe, just maybe, some extra money would make its way down to the local municipalities who are starved for cash to run their police departments. 

O.k. I'm done for now.  Hopefully a good night's sleep will lull me back into serf-hood where I will happily accept whatever the universe (including those folks that control my taxes, oil prices, food prices, earnings, environment and entertainment) deems acceptable for my consumption.  And like a good citizen, I will let them milk me until there's nothing left.  After all, the birthrate is up, there will be other poor schmucks to milk soon enough.  Aaargh. 

Snow Being

It's one of those odd days today.  I'm itchy in my skin.  Not jumpy, just unable to settle anywhere and concentrate on something.  Anything.  It may be because I have a "to do list" a mile long which basically entails a LOT of thoughtful paperwork without quick resolution.  Can't really say I'm restless, it's just an under-the-skin itchyness running through my nerve endings.  Maybe I am.  Completing the physical tasks I had to do just isn't doing the trick either.  Oy.  So, short of pounding on my standing bag to exhaustion, and disrupting the entire end of my building (not to mention setting back my recovery from my carpal tunnel surgery), I took my twitchy self to a nearby beach for a walk. 

It ended up being more of a non-walk.  It was too bloody cold out in the wind along the water.  The sun had long gone with the clouds building up for another weather-maker tonight and tomorrow.  All the color has been leached out of the landscape.  Everything appears lifeless.  Even the evergreens'  green-ness was lackluster.  Out beyond the seawall, sandwiched between grey water and grey sky, a fishing boat silently moved in large slow circles.  There were no other souls out.  The wind was cruel.  It was raw and biting, cutting away at any exposed surfaces.  My scarf, hat and gloves really didn't seem to make much of a difference at all.  Bitter, bitter air. 

There is still a lot of snow pack around, and near the end of one walkway, there was a drift caught up against the boulders at the turn.  I discovered the snow was perfect for snowball making, or snowman making, for that matter.  So I grabbed huge handfulls and made meself a snowball which then went arcing out over the water only to smash on that steely greyness.  Nope.  Didn't satisfy.  Then, looking at a flat-topped boulder beside me, I wondered what a snowball would look like on there.  Lonely.  So I made another, and another wondering where I was going with this.  They looked kind of cool on the boulder, but were still just snowballs on a rock.  Next, I piled four on top of each other straight up - snow is a cool playdoh when it's the right temperature.  Good start, but still lonely.   Next, three up on each side - the left leaning a bit drunkenly.  I liked it.  Still boring, though.  Then, I curved the right and left columns into the body of the four snow balls, and they ended up looking like long arms reaching down to the rock.  Much better.

There were no longer snowballs on a boulder.  Instead, the snowballs had become this long-armed,  enigmatic being looking out over the water.  It is about a foot and half feet high - brilliantly white against all the greyness surrounding it, and strangely shaped.  The figure looked almost like a children's toy, but all in snow.  It looks wonderfully out-of-place and rather strange.  Oh sure, it will probably wash away in the rain tomorrow.  Or someone will knock it down.  But just for now, or a little while though, my snow being will be a visual puzzle for anyone who walks along the same path.  "Who made that?  Why???" 

As I walked back to my car, I kept turning around to check on its visability.    My snow being stood out for its oddness alone.  It is not expected.  I am delighted with it.  Makes me wonder, too, if any long ago ancient with a sense of mischief ever created a stone figure simply for fun - only to befuddle and confuse our current day archeologists trying to find meaning in it.   The twitchyness is still here within me, but I feel a bit better for making my mark with the snow being, no matter how transient.

50 Degrees and Snow Shoeing

Today, the sun was out and the temperature was a positively balmy 50 degrees Farenheit.  In other words, toasty compared to the past 8-9 weeks.  So, I celebrated by doing something I'd been wanting to do all winter - well, to this point in the winter.  I went snow shoeing.  (Yes, the "shoeing" looks odd, but I looked it up and it seems to be o.k.  Who knew?)  I also wanted to get out on the snow at this particular State Park before all the snow disappeared.  Who knows if it will come back.  Off I went.

It was lovely.  Yes.  The snow has melted to the ground in many places esp. around the bases of most trees, but there were also large swathes of deep snow left upon which I could "shoe."  Many of them right out in the sun, so the accumulation must have been quite impressive after the last snow storm.  In some places the snow is still higher than the picnic bench seats.  Oh no - it wasn't soft powder by any means.  The snow was very wet, verging on slushy which made walking a fun challenge - and, a good work out!  What was neat to see was that every where a leaf, a twig, a pine needle, a seed or a branch had landed on the snow's surface, each had sunk into the snow by about an inch or so in a perfect impression of the leaf, twig, etc. with the warmth. 

The weather was a delicious respite from winter.  It's going to get cooler again starting tomorrow, but for today, it was perfect.  The park was busy!  Everyone came out to bask in the sun and walk the newly snow-free paths.  No earmuffs, no hats, no scarves, no heavy coats, no mittens, no heavy sweaters - there really are a lot of clothes needed to stay warm!  So I enjoyed a half hour toddling around on the snow, under the trees, scaring the geese and making the first human impressions across the melting snow fields.  I am very fortunate.  Thank goodness for State parks, they really do provide a respite from the busyness of the modern world. 

Valentine's Thaw

Happy Valentine's Day!  We're all rather happy around here - the temperature is moderating and the snow pack is melting.  Everyone's walking with a lighter step, wearing less clothing, faces have lost that pinched look, and there seems to be a more casual approach to driving.  The last may be a bit premature.  Yes, we can all stop white-knuckling it, but the roads are still unnaturally narrow in places with stray patches of ice to wrack one up. The snow banks at intersections, too, are making sightlines more theory than reality.  You can see on their sides - like geological strata - the story of a number of storms from the lines of road sand thrown up by passing plows.  But hey, it's Valentine's Day and it is warming up.  Hallelujah! 

It always amazes me that snow arrives in tiny star shapes of candyfloss-like webs of frozen water which weigh barely more than the air.  How quickly the snow can pile up to such an extent it buries us all, in one way or another.  From delicately spun ice stars which start falling in such a gentle way feathering along in breezes, all the way to gale forced torrents of sky confetti - the snow hits the ground and just keeps accumulating till its drifts become as unforgiving as stone.  In its lightest versions, snow decorates, softens and beautifies everything in view.  Masses of it or in its ice forms, it becomes life-threatening depending on the circumstance. 

I was watching the snow clearing efforts in my parking lot during the last storm.  We had started to run out of room to put the snow so that residents could park their cars.  It struck me that we spend millions of dollars on moving, shoving and rearranging this substance to suit our needs.   A substance, moreover, which will disappear in the Spring as though it never existed.  Just for an instant while I watched the snow being plowed, snow became a mythical substance, a magical illusion which we all believe to be real - after all, we can see it, touch it and taste it.  Yes.  In the cold, snow is a force with which we must consider for our safety and livelihoods.  In summer, however, snow would be a magical dream, as ephemeral as smoke.  To someone who has lived their whole life in a warm climate, the whole concept of snow could be science fiction, fantasy, whimsy or the stuff of fairy tales. 

I wish you love and warmth on this St. Valentine's Day.     


  

Will It? Or Won't It? Yes, Snow!

It's been a snowy while since I last posted.  In that time, I think I've written about five posts - all in my head - about snow.  The subject of snow lends itself to a number of themes, all of which are grounded in my now.  Well, to be fair, snow is factoring in everyone's now throughout the middle and northeastern part of the United States.  It's also snowed about three or four more times since my last post, including an ice storm, high winds, thunder, rain and today, something of a thaw, thank goodness.  More is forecast for Tuesday and Thursday.

The weather systems are becoming as regular as clockwork.  Perhaps there is an evil master mind somewhere orchestrating the Winter of 2010-2011 in North America.  Or perhaps it is all being caused by a commercial conglomerate.  Just think.  The food stores are doing a roaring business because we are all loath to go through a snow storm/blizzard without enough food in the "house."  And who's to say that we'll be able to get to the stores after it snows.  Then there are the tools required to deal with snow both for the home, businesses and transportation, and the beat goes on.

Snow is not a villian.  (Yes, even in the face of my reaction at my last post.)  Snow just is.  It happens.  It is a natural phenomena.  Our reactions to snow are what cause us agita - myself included.   I think what has been blowing us all away is the sheer amount of it.  I live in a generally temperate area.  In the past, if it snowed - it did so maybe once or twice.  This year it's been incredibly invasive since the day after Christmas.  There's so much snow that it has become a huge, tangible presence in our lives.  What was first greeted with delight is now greeted with groans.  Not only has the snow changed the landscape, it's changed how we behave, how we exercise, how we eat, how we drive.   It has us on hyper alert.  Basically, it forces us to change how we live, and changing our behavior is not something any of us do willingly.

All this snow is an education.  For some of us, the snowy weather's been a re-education in how snow can really impact our lives and livelihoods.  Snow is also a rather awe-inspiring reminder that there are some things over which we truly have no control.  It also makes me deeply appreciate the fact that I do not live in a place where 10 to 20 feet of snow is an annual occurence.   Yes, I am coming to accept the fact that the snow simply is .... and I will now try to dream of sandy beaches, palm trees, soft warm winds and delicious swims.

Snow

At 14" to 19"+ totals - to several feet high - depending on where the storm last night decided to leave it.  And this on top of the snow that's come before.  Temperatures have been too cold to melt it to any degree.  This makes storm Number 6 for the winter season. 

The snow's been storming since Christmas.  Seemingly it's been falling every week.  In addition to the traffic woes, cabin fever is on the rise!  We usually don't get any significant snow til February.  And it's not quite the end of January (assuming Mother Nature cares for calendars).  Yes, snow is beautiful if you don't have to deal with it or employers.  It's also a great bloody nuisance in the amounts that we've been getting. 

None of us realized we'd migrated to the Artic Circle.   O.K. an exaggeration.  The joy's worn off for everyone over school age. Instead, to borrow from Charles Schultz' Charlie Brown cartoon...... "Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!"

Other Handedness

Without anything happening to our "main" hand, we never give any thought to all the uses for which we use our hands.  My surgery was to my right hand, my dominant hand which I usually use without any thought for a myriad of things.  And if there's a choice to be had between hands, the right one usually gets volunteered before I even have to think about it.  Its fine motor skills are highly developed.  My left hand is usually there simply to add balance, strength and holding skills.  It excels at holding things.  The fine control, and decision-making, if you will, is left with my right hand.   

What's so amazing to me is the degree of conscious attention I have to give my "other" hand to do some of the simplest of things.  For instance, holding a knife and buttering toast.  I find I need to angle the butter dish the opposite way, get the butter on the other side of the knife and then butter the toast.  However, I've found the simple act of buttering is also very difficult.  I end up fiercely staring at my left hand while heavily concentrating on applying pressure while I attempt to make smooth stroking motions.  Mind you, this is assuming the butter is soft.  If the butter is fresh out of the fridge, you're in deep trouble.

Except for sneezing, everything takes so much longer.  Like brushing my teeth.  If I'm not careful, assuming I manage to hold onto the brush, I end up brushing my cheeks or over compensating on the pressure and jamming the durn thing against my gums which is very painful!  And try cutting some food or fruit using a knife with your other hand.  It's a whole new adventure.  For me, it was like my left hand was divorced from my body.  It seemed to have no idea how to use pressure while sawing back and forth.  I felt like I was creating new brain neuron pathways through the sheer force of will.  Some times it worked.  Some times, not so much.  For the past week my inability to use my right hand  for eating has reduced me to the skills of a toddler.  I either eat with the fingers of my left hand, try to stab things with a fork, or I need to have my food cut up for me. 

Practice makes perfect.  It's such an old saying, and it's so true.  I'm very fortunate.  My relegation to "other" handedness has been temporary.  And as the time has gone by, my other hand has been able to perform more easily every day.  Once my right hand finishes healing, I'll probably be back to my old, unconscious ways of doing things.  Part of me will miss it.  Why?  It is rather refreshing to have to be so conscious, and concentrate so fiercely.  That intense concentration doesn't allow room for a lot of the nonsense that my mind usually throws at me.  It's also kind of cool to see how you DO get better with time and practice and healing.

Setting The World on Fire

Looking again at the way I'd signed off in my last post, I realized that "setting the world on fire" is something of a misnomer. Usually it's a phrase applied to very young people, graduates of ivy league colleges, game-changing software engineers or meglomanics who want to take out a bunch of people in as painful a way a possible. It probably also features in the dreams of those who feel that nuclear war is a viable option. So I need to come up with another way of describing how I plan on re-launching myself back into the world.

Truthfully, inertia is a misnomer as well. For while I haven't been doing a lot of anything I can point to - like a well-manicured lawn - or, as is the case in winter snow, a well-shoveled driveway - I have been working very hard to change the way I approach the world. I truly believe that whatever attitude, behaviour, action or energy one gives out to the world, you get it returned to you without fail. So it behooves me to approach the world in the best manner I can manage. It makes living that much nicer. And...there is that small matter of healing. Healing after my surgery, definitely. And there's also been healing going on from living in ways that made my life more an obligation than a place where magic is possible.

I've also been learning that there are other ways of living. There are many, many people living in the United States who do not go to an office every morning. Who do you think all those people are out on the streets every day. They can't all be tourists, can they? There are others who work solely from home, creating their schedule as they go. There are others who have jobs that even I don't know about that have them earning a living without wearing a suit-and-tie (or its equivalent) and reporting to the "man" or the "woman" everyday.

Yes, of course, there are many different industries that I haven't even considered. You see, I grew up in an area where the office was king. Everyone (seemingly) aspired to great success in the white collar world wherein money could be made, luxuries achieved and escape from the lower classes was possible. In fact, it was almost a prerequisite for living. [Yes, we do have a class society here in the United States - it's just economic rather than politely correct upbringing as in England. It's more about hard cash than family blood lines.]

Now, I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. Except I've come to understand that there are other ways of living. I just need to suss them out. I'll let others set the world on fire. One time honored way would be to marry very well - i.e. rich - and not worry about making a living. However, that possibility is not available at the present time - nor am I at all certain I'd be willing to make the requisite trade-offs. I'm a romantic. If I'm to marry, it would have to be for love. Surely there's a place in this world for an honorable woman with a big heart, a facility to learn and grow, a willingness to work hard, who has a desire for variety and an eagerness to live to earn her way in the world - perhaps even thrive.

The secret here is finding that direction. Then who knows? I may just set the world on fire one of these days. To use the old arrow and bow parable (or is it analogy?), once I find my target, I believe the bow will appear to fire me winging on my way. I am creating it.  Should be an interesting ride.

Of Sound Machines and Carpal Tunnels

Quick update on my neighbors and a sound machine. For the upstair wanderers who roam about nightly above my head - whether sleepwalking or awake - the sound machine definitely helps. Either that, or since I got my sound machine (which, as far as I can tell, is a small fan in a plastic casing that creates steady noise), they've found a way to sleep through most of the night. Whatever. I'm happier with the machine. You know - law of averages - that if I stopped using the machine, they'd be up wandering about more frantically than ever before through the wee hours. (I was going to say Stygian darkness to sound v. impressive, but any one who's lived in a condominium complex knows that it's never that dark - except possibly in a closet.)

Now, as to carpal tunnels. They are the areas in our wrists (if you're human) resembling a tunnel through which our nerves and blood vessels flow. For whatever reason - my hand surgeon says there is no definitive cause - I have managed to have bi-lateral carpal tunnel syndrome. That means my carpal tunnel areas in both wrists are inflamed which causes pressure on the nerves. The result is numbness in both hands, most specifically in the first three fingers of each hand. It's most apparent in the fingertips. Untreated, the nerves will die. So, surgery was called for. I'll let you look it up. It's a very simple day surgery.

Yes, it is simple surgery, but it is surgery. When I was discussing this all with my hand doctor, it all made sense and so we went forward with it this past Friday. Then on Saturday after the anesthesia finally wore off, it dawned on me that my hand really hurt, had a large wrap on it and I really needed to treat it carefully. There's also been the small matter of doing everything one-handedly. O.K. No big surprise there, it's just that I'd been thinking about the pros and cons for so long, the whole process became more hypothetical than real. So much so, that I've been a wee bit bummed with the fact that I need to give my hand time to heal. Oy. I'm also a bit spooked at the bruising that's growing up from the dressing. Reality vs. hypothetical.

All in all, the whole process has been very good. My hand is healing well. I swear my fingers are already feeling better. Sore palm, happy fingers - which is good, 'cause otherwise this post would be taking all afternoon to type without a little assist! Now...just need to get the other wrist done. When? Probably in a month. Thinking again. The difference here is that this time I have the surgery, hopefully, I'll be more prepared for the patience I need to have with myself to heal afterwards.

Then, with freed nerves, I can get out of this incredibly attractive inertia, and start setting the world on fire - metaphorically speaking!

Neighbors

Neighbors are a fact of life. Well, unless we live in the middle of a dessert. We all have neighbors. Some, more than others. Me? Until recently, although living in a condominium (formerly an apartment) complex, I only had two immediate neighbors. One below, and one on one side, both of whom were single. They also are very quiet. The spaces above me, and on the "other" side have been empty since I moved here six whole years ago. I've been very lucky. And it has been lovely. My apartment has been my retreat, my refuge from the world. In fact, it has been so quiet, I completely overlooked the possibilty of ever acquiring two more sets of neighbors.

I have been very spoiled in my life. The only time where I have lived surrounded by people was in my dorm college room. And honestly, I was never in there except to sleep when pretty much everyone else was sleeping. So neighbors were never an issue. Before six years ago, I've always lived in places with other folks, but I was always on the top floor and, at most, always had just one immediate neighbor. So, my experience at hive living has been non-existent. Yes. Hive living. Like bees. An apartment building (whatever it's legally called) is like a hive where everyone lives going about their business. And the constant busy-ness is very much like a hive where there's always some activity going on with the worker bees. The only difference being no queen.

So you see? Complacency can be a dangerous thing. In December, rather like early Christmas presents, I got two new families as immediate neighbors - above, and next door. It's amazingly challenging to me.

Upstairs, they are generally very quiet except for their penchant for dropping things. What's challenging is that at night, they only seem to sleep for 3 hours before getting up and running around over my head (dropping things) for about an hour each time. (Yes, sadly I've watched the clock - royally ticked off.) If I'm lucky, I'll maybe get 6 hours of sleep. My sister who's been "hive" living for years poo-poos my reaction. She basically told me to suck it up, and get ear plugs and a sound machine. The art of napping is looking more and more attractive. Now, if only I can do that at work.

As for my new next door neighbors, they are lovely people. They just tend to live their lives at extremely high volume. Especially the 5-year old girl who only seems to be able to communicate by shrieking. Happy, sad, terrified, busy, it's always in shrieks. Life is often conducted in the hallway directly outside my front door before slamming theirs. Contentiously, the mother and father will yell at the children from their bedroom (which is on the other side of my living room wall). Alternatively, they have a noisy bedroom life which can be disconcerting in the evenings while I'm trying to work or wind down for bed.

My sprititually-minded friends like to remind me that challenges help to teach us to grow and become more tolerant of others. I understand this concept in theory. My sister says I need to learn to live with my neighbors' noise. Obviously, I'm on a steep learning curve, because so far I've been simply sleep-deprived and cranky.